10 Things to Stop Doing if You Love an Alcoholic (From About.com)

 I stumbled upon this list today on About.com and found it helpful and educational. Hopefully posting it again will put it in the path of someone else who may need it:

"Those of us who live or have lived with active alcoholics or addicts find that we have been deeply affected by the experience. Many times, the frustration and stress that we feel can be caused by our own actions and choices. By adjusting our approach and our attitude toward the problem, we find that we can place it in a difference perspective, so that it no longer dominates our thoughts and our lives. Here are 10 things that you can stop doing that may help relieve the pressure.

1. Blaming Yourself

 It's typical for alcoholics to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or others around them, including those who are closest to them. It's not unusual to hear an alcoholic say, "The only reason I drink is because you..." Don't buy into it. If your loved one is truly an alcoholic, they are going to drink no matter what you do or say. It's not your fault. They have become dependent on alcohol, and nothing is going to get between them and their drug of choice.

2. Taking It Personally

When alcoholics promise they will never drink again, but a short time later are back to drinking as much as always, it is easy for family members to take the broken promises and lies personally. You may tend to think, "If they really love me, they wouldn't lie to me." But if they have become truly addicted to alcohol, their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are completely surprised by some of the choices they make. They may not be in control of their own decision making.

3. Trying to Control It

Many family members of alcoholics naturally try everything they can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving the alcoholic's family members feeling lonely and frustrated. You may tell yourself that surely there is something that you can do, but the reality is not even alcoholics can control their drinking, try as they may.

4. Trying to Cure It

Make no mistake about it, alcoholism, or alcohol dependence, is a primary, chronic and progressive disease that sometimes can be fatal. You are not a healthcare professional. You are not a trained substance-abuse counselor. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That's the alcoholic's responsibility, not yours. You can't cure a disease.

5. Covering It Up

There is a joke in recovery circles about an alcoholic in denial who screams, "I don't have a problem, so don't tell anyone!" Alcoholics typically do not want anyone to know the level of their alcohol consumption because if someone found out the full extent of the problem, they might try to help! If family members try to "help" the alcoholic by covering up for their drinking and making excuses for them, they are playing right into the alcoholic's denial game. Dealing with the problem openly and honestly is the best approach.

6. Accepting Unacceptable Behavior

It usually begins with some small incident that family members brush off with, "They just had too much to drink." But the next time, the behavior may get a little bit worse and then even worse. You slowly begin to accept more and more unacceptable behavior. Before you realize it, you can find yourself in a full-blown abusive relationship. Abuse is never acceptable. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior in your life. You do have choices.

7. Having Unreasonable Expectations

One problem in dealing with an alcoholic is that what might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances, might be totally unreasonable with an addict. When alcoholics swear to you and to themselves that they will never touch another drop, you might naturally expect that they are sincere and they won't drink again. But with alcoholics, that expectation turns out to be unreasonable. Is it reasonable to expect someone to be honest with you when they are incapable of even being honest with himself or herself?

8. Living in the Past

The key to dealing with alcoholism in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists right now, today. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the alcoholic seeks help. You can't allow the disappointments and mistakes of the past affect your choices today, because circumstances have probably changed.

9. Enabling

Often, well-meaning loved ones, in trying to "help," will actually do something that enables alcoholics to continue along their destructive paths. Find out what enabling is and make sure that you are not doing anything that bolsters the alcoholic's denial or prevents them from facing the natural consequences of their actions. Many an alcoholic has finally reached out for help when they realized their enabling system was no longer in place.

10. Putting Off Getting Help

After years of covering up for the alcoholic and not talking about "the problem" outside the family, it may seem daunting to reach out for help from a support group such as Al-Anon Family Groups. But millions have found solutions that lead to serenity inside those meetings. Going to an Al-Anon meeting is one of those things that once you do it, you say, "I should have done this years ago!""

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/fam/tp/10-Things-To-Stop-Doing-If-You-Love-An-Alcoholic.htm

How Did I Get Here and How Do I Get Out of Here?

I am recovering from the effects of alcohol, yet have never had more than one watered-down drink in my life. It's rather ironic. But loving an alcoholic has done damage to my mind. I blame him not. He is ill. And I have to understand that all I can do it heal myself, and realize that I am powerless to heal him. Along with the hurtful words and unwanted feelings of pain, I accidentally swept many other things under the rug- my sense of self, part of my independence, my ability to trust, my ability to be in the moment and not worry about the future...so many things. But I'm getting them back little by little. They were only a temporary loss. It's as though when things started to go wrong, they went into hiding. I became a sponge. A puppet. My scratching was likely the only unique thing about me. But as I learn that it all basically comes with the territory of being a codependent, I realize I am being too hard on myself. I am ill too. That spineless girl is not me. I am simply going through a hard time and am not well. I'm starting to reflect, which indicates to me that I'm headed in some sort of direction toward healing, change, and recovery.

When did I lose sense of what acceptable boundaries are?
I think it was the first time something happened and I tried to force a solution by simply accepting the behavior.

When did I begin to think that love meant self-sacrifice?
I think it was watching my mother make sacrifices for my father, myself, and my five siblings.

When did I start making excuses for other people and stop taking care of myself as much?
I think it was the moment I realized I loved another person so much that I didn't want anyone else to think or say anything negative about them. So I protected them.

When did I decide that his healing and well-being were more important than mine, that I should place him first? When did I get it in my head that that is what being a good mate meant?
I think it's simply in my nature to put the health of others as a high priority. To the point that I forget I have my own to consider.

When did I take selflessness and twist it into a morbid relative to itself? An unhealthy cousin.
I think it was the moment I grew afraid of losing him to alcohol and began trying to play tug-o-war: He was the rope, and alcoholism and I were each trying to pull him toward us; me toward the safety of health and alcoholism toward the chains and bondage. I tried to fight a battle that wasn't mine because I was afraid he wasn't strong enough to win himself.

Did I really just want that bad for him to get better that I placed myself on the back burner?
Yes. Yes I did. And it would still make my heart soar to see him healthy one day, no matter how I've been hurt by him.

But I believe that it would make his heart just as happy to see me healthy too. My codependency and picking have become so intertwined- a macrame noose.I am hanging myself the longer I let this all continue.

And still I argue that I should be patient and show nothing but love. Still I argue that he's sick and doesn't have control. And that's why I've put up with any of it. But at least I know now that none of it's my fault....that zero percent of his behavior is because I did something wrong or wasn't good enough. And for putting up with mistreatment, I say shame on me. But gentle shame. I did what I thought was right. I tried to be selfless. I tried to help.

Now I know better.

The one I love is a sinking ship. And I cannot swim. I need to jump into a lifeboat and get myself to safety. And if he's meant to be saved, he will save himself. Because I cannot. And I'm sorry. I truly am. I tried my very best. But I can't help but feel sometimes that I failed. That if I were stronger, smarter, healthier, I could have done more to help him. Turns out maybe the best way to help him is to simply help myself and let him learn to help himself.

http://mariovittone.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/drowning.jpg

But where to go from here is still to be determined.

What will heal me?
I think I should start with forgiveness as mentioned previously.
I think I should start with learning what healthy love is.

Which road will lead me in the right direction?

http://static6.depositphotos.com/1051312/612/v/950/depositphotos_6123109-Vintage-sun-compass-rose.jpg

I will listen to the silence, and my heart will tell me.

But for now, all I know is that I'm traveling onward.

Healing doesn't mean I have to forget about him.
It doesn't mean I need to flip him the bird and never again see his face or speak to him.
 It doesn't mean I need to go seek comfort in the arms of other men who are healthy.

I don't need to kill my love for him to get better. If anything, having that kind of powerful feeling within will aid my journey toward healing, because I feel connected  to a force greater than myself.
If I have the power within to love that hard, I have the power within to heal. Healing means I have to accept what I've been handed and embrace what I can, but understand that I have to make healthy choices to put myself in healthy situations.
 

I will heal.
He will heal.
If we allow the healing to happen, that is.
And maybe one day.....Maybe one day...
Whatever is meant to happen will happen.
I feel like there's a song for this somewhere in my arsenal...ah, yes.
Here:

SLIP AWAY by DAVID ARKENSTONE:

"The seasons change
And age our temporary souls
Chasing fate
Along it's winding road

Flames burn bright and pass into smoke
But our love
Will dance among the stars
Down the streets of gold
I am bound to you
By more than what divides us

Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Into an endless dream
Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Then you can rescue me
Close your eyes
And drift into a shining memory
I'll see you again where the sky touches the sea

And with your love
You've painted vivid colors on my heart
Your light will always illuminate my dark
I am bound to you
By more than what divides us

Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Into an endless dream
Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Then you can rescue me
Close your eyes
And drift into a shining memory
I'll see you again where the sky touches the sea

The seasons change
And age our temporary souls
Chasing fate
Along it's winding road"

Healing Inside = Healing Outside?

I pray anyone who reads will take my words and apply any to their lives that seem suitable...in the hopes that I may help them while I try to help myself...

Self-Love (in my humble opinion), is about accepting yourself for who you are, but working to change those traits about yourself and your life that may be poisoning your well-being. My healing is not a simple matter of habit reversal training or some outside force. I believe it is a matter of inner peace that must begin at the core of my very soul and spread out like ripples.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.

About forgiving others.

But mostly, about forgiving myself.

I let bad things happen.

I allowed my ex boyfriend to mistreat me and didn’t leave.

In slightly younger years, I forced myself to follow a religion I didn’t believe in, and feel that I should have been smarter than to fall prey to the sexism and blatant lies I was told.

In every instance that I have trouble forgiving myself for, my thought is “I should have been smarter”, and my excuse is “But I loved them”. But it doesn't change that I allowed people to remain in my life that harmed me, and I am responsible for it.

My parents weren’t right to force a religion on me that told me I had fewer capabilities, rights, and less value than men.  
 But I went along with it long past the time I realized it wasn’t right because I loved them , didn’t want to disappoint them, and wanted to keep the peace in the family. If I went against their religion, I would surely lose them on some level. And I have. Some of my relatives are no longer comfortable with me being around their children because I am “worldly”, and no one in the family trusts me as much.

And for a long time I tried to make up for it every day by educating myself on the other problems women faced in the world. I became obsessed with it. I felt that to make up for putting up with it, I had to fight every day until I had changed for other people what had taken a shot at my self-worth.

But the more I fought, the less at peace I was. I found that I had to let go and realize that all I could do about it was live my life as I saw fit and help those who came my way rather than trying to change the world with arguments and daily Facebook posts about social injustices.

And I must do the same thing now, having recently exited a relationship where I wasn’t being treated properly.
His actions, whether due to being drunk or not, weren’t what I deserved. And I think every day about how I stayed far beyond the point at which I should have run. And the reason is the same: I loved him, and I wanted to keep the peace, and I didn’t want to lose him. Additionally, I thought leaving meant I had to stop loving him and abandon him in a time of need. I thought it meant giving up and being weak. I thought it would make me a bad person to leave someone who was obviously ill and struggling with his alcohol issue. I would always think of The Little Red Hen. No one helped her bake the bread, so they all got snubbed in the end and missed out on the delicious result. I figured if I wanted to be a part of my boyfriend's life when he got better, I needed to help him in the present. And with a bright mind and the bit of inner child-like innocence I often sensed in him, I knew it wasn't a future I wanted to miss out on to be there when he broke free from the chains of addiction that bound him to misery and irritability. My heart told me he was a good boy and didn't mean to hurt me. As did he. Every time I got upset with him, he'd say "You know I'm trying". And I would stop and feel terrible for considering leaving when he seemed to be trying so hard. I'd never had a drink. How could I possibly understand how hard it was to quit? And when I put it into perspective by how hard it was for me to quit my picking, I felt like I had no room to judge. Sometimes I looked in his eyes when he was drunk and literally saw a little boy who looked lost and afraid and just needed someone's hand to hold while he struggled. A little boy who didn't like the situation any more than I did and was just as hurt by it. How could I leave? I had to prove my patience. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I had to prove to myself that I was strong, and that my love was real.  And my love for him was very real. However, my love for myself was sacrificed. And in this time frame, most especially in the second year of our relationship, my scratching got worse. It was my coping mechanism. It was my outlet (rather than confronting him angrily) for the things he did that I thought he was working on changing and therefore couldn't be mad at him for. I thought  that it wasn't as bad as his alcohol, and therefore acceptable. But I became just another person who was mistreating "Me".

 

I do not place blame on him for me attacking my skin more in this time frame, however. 
He is not the one who put his hands to my skin and made me bleed. He caused some of the inner "bleeding" that led to the outer attack, but I could have responded differently. I know I have to take full responsibility for increased scratching being my response to his actions. I had plenty of other options. I could have left. But I cared more about him getting better and figured that as he did, I would.
But that's not how it works.

And I now find myself in the difficult spot of trying to forgive myself for every scar on my body. And stopping creating them for that matter.

Yes, my love for myself was truly sacrificed.

And that’s what I do.

I sacrifice myself when I love others.

Family. Lovers. Friends.

And sometimes when I realize what I allowed to happen to me in my relationship, I again fight it. I have to prove to myself that I can stand up for myself. I have to prove that I’m not just a doormat. And sometimes, in my effort to do what I feel I should have done before, I go overboard. I yell, I say things I don’t mean and dump a heap of anger at the feet of my former lover to make up for my past reactions of silence over things that I was too shocked to respond properly to because I never thought someone would treat me that way.
That's another trait of mine I want to work on.
I overcompensate.

And then I take a step back, and realize that I’m behaving no better toward him than he behaved toward me to cause my outburst.

And I stop and breathe.

And I feel rotten and think about my words.

And I apologize and ask forgiveness.

And not once have I been told I’ve been denied that forgiveness.

And I thank him for that.

Perhaps this goes back to the self-love concept.

If I really loved myself, would I let these things happen to me?

It’s possible.

I do love myself, though not as I should.
I enjoy my own company more than the company of any other person.
I love to laugh at silly things I do and buy myself chocolate and treat myself to small, pretty things and new experiences when I can.
I love to baby myself when I'm sick or unhappy, and I love cleaning and soothing my skin after I mess up and scratch.
And my favorite trait about myself is how much I love other people and have compassion for them.
And yet I allowed others to mistreat me, as though I have no compassion for myself.

The only time I let them go very far is when I love the person.

If I don’t love that person, I’m much better about asserting myself, though still far too kind.
I find that few people love the way I do, stuck up as that may sound.
And because few people reflect the love I feel I'm giving, I sometimes feel unloved, even when I'm told I am cared for. I feel alone. And sometimes I wonder if that contributes to my scratching.

I think what it boils down to is this:

I need to relax.
I need to breathe.
I need to look in the mirror and say:

 “Dear Self (past, present, and future), I love you and I forgive you. Your love and approval is the only love and approval you need in this world.You are a sweet, beautiful, gentle creature. You did what you thought was best in the situations fate handed you. You didn't know what else to do. You love in ways some people don’t know how. You have a big heart, and sometimes that big heart gets so focused on loving others that it forgets you need love too. Be selfish once in a while. Show a bit of vanity and self-love. Let others see it so well that they might get uncomfortable. Give yourself a kiss and a hug, because in the end, you are all you have.”

Why Is Self-Forgiveness Important?
An army divided against itself will struggle.
An army of one against itself is defenseless.
If you don't support yourself, no one will.
If you don't love yourself, it doesn't matter if anyone else does. 

Someone once told me:

"You have so much love inside. If you loved yourself the way you loved others, amazing things would happen."

I want amazing things to happen.

I think those amazing things could include getting a handle on how I treat my skin.

I believe that inner peace leads to outer peace.

Inner wounds, like outer ones, heal best when acknowledged, but not bothered and made to bleed. They must be tended to with gentle kindness, not aggression. And the healing must happen inside before being reflected outwardly.

I think important things anyone can ask themselves for inner peace are:

Do you love yourself?

Are there things happening in your life presently that are disturbing your peace?
Are there things you need to forgive yourself for?
Are there things you need to forgive others for?
Are there people in your life that are bad influences?
Do they put your healing as a low priority?
Do they help you make healthy decisions?
Do they take advantage of you?
Should the people in your life be as deep in your life as they are?
Have they earned the right to be there by treating you properly?
And if not, have amends been made for any harm they've done to you?

I've heard it said that forgiving someone doesn't mean they deserved to be forgiven. Forgiving someone should happen because you deserve inner peace over it.

I deserve inner peace.

I want to get well and move on from scratching.

I will forgive:
My family.
Myself.
Him.

They are not bad people. And they didn't necessarily mean to hurt me.

My parents did what they thought was best. And I will love them even if they don't accept my life choices. From a distance.

And rather than judge and hold a grudge against my former lover, I should take what I know from my compulsive behavior and do my best to understand how hard it is to stop drinking. Rather than pointing fingers, support should be offered. From a distance.

I will love them all anyway. Because real love doesn't stop just because someone disagrees with your life choices. Because real love doesn't stop just because someone makes a poor decision or goes through a hard time.

I will heal.
But I know I can only heal myself.
And I'm doing my best.

Since I've started trying to change my mindset and response, I've found myself climbing up out of the pit of depression little by little, and my skin is looking fantastic today for that matter.

The condition of my skin is the fault of no one else. Though it's not entirely my fault either. But the only one who placed her hands on me was me. And that's what counts. I have to sit down with the girl inside and talk with her about a few things. And I do sometimes. She can be laconic at times. Other times we have much to discuss. Either way, I need to treat her better.

Rather than say "You should have been smarter", I will say "You did the best I could".
The finger pointing, in all areas, needs to stop.
The holding on to things for fear I will forget them and forget what happened to me and not learn from them, needs to be handled in a different way. 
But one thing will remain the same.
And that's the reason behind my actions.
Love.
Only next time, Love will be my reason for leaving a bad situation rather than trying to stick it out for the other person.
Self Love.

A Sinking Ship

My body is a boat.
I keep tearing holes in it,
and then I watch myself sink.

Am I Loveable?

I pray anyone who reads will take my words and apply any to their lives that seem suitable...in the hopes that I may help them while I try to help myself...


As mentioned before, self-love is something that I feel I lack.
In turn, I feel that my lack of self love contributes to the way I treat my body.

I am in search of reasons why I am loveable.
But I seem to find more reasons why I'm not.

Why should my religious parents love me as much as my brother when he is religious and I am an atheist? Why should I be loved as much when their beliefs are against me...my hopes, my dreams, and most of what I do? Why should I be loved? For each thing I'm criticized for, I question: Why should I be loved? By other people...or by myself. Why should I love myself when it is "ME" who has allowed myself to be trampled by others in the past? When it's "ME" who didn't stand up and say "I'm equal, and I don't need you in my life" or "Your drinking is hurting me too much and I deserve better"? I have not loved myself properly. I have loved others much more. I have placed their feelings before mine...which isn't an entirely bad thing. But when I sacrifice myself for others entirely, and forget to love myself, that's when things go wrong. When I hide my beliefs for the sake of keeping my family happy...when I forget about my needs as a person and stuff it all inside to keep peace and hope to feel loved for my sacrifice. I continue the circle. And I'm learning that I hate circles.

I find myself scratching as I write those things.

I want to be loved.

And the only way I will ever feel truly loved is if I love myself first and foremost.

And I'm going to start by making a list of reasons why I should. And perhaps anyone reading should try the same and see how they feel afterward.

Why I'm Worth Loving:

I am kind to others
I do my best not to hurt anyone
I want to do good things
I love to create beautiful things
I love other people
I have a lot of love to give
I am honest
I always mean well
I am sweet
I am a good person and I know it
I work hard
I follow the golden rule as much as I can
I try to focus on the important things


Perhaps I will add more later if I can think of any more...

Because of "Perfect"

"You're such a pretty girl"
"You have such beautiful skin underneath your sores"
"Why do hurt yourself?"
"Why do you scratch?"
"Why can't you just stop?"

Because:

Because of "Perfect".
That seven letter swear word.
That impossible concept that puts the "Obsessive" in "Obsessive Compulsive".
I hate this.
Feeling ugly.
Feeling dirty.
Feeling subhuman.
I never thought I was a victim of today's standards of beauty.
But I am.
I must admit.
I see the pore-less woman on the television, on the internet, on the advertisement on the side of the bus or the magazine in checkout. And I think of my own skin.
And I know I am not up to par.
I am a people pleaser.
I love people.
And I want them to be happy.
I want them to see something in me that compels them to feel happy.
I want to be perfect.
But I'm not.
I'm a picture of filth and lack of health.
There's something on me!
Get it off so I may look healthy,
So I may feel better,
So I can breathe,
So I can feel clean,
So I can be beautiful!
There's a bump of poison under the surface of my skin!
Get it out so I may be healthy,
So I may feel better,
So I can breathe,
So I can feel clean,
So I can be beautiful!
Inside and out.
My self-esteem is shot.
I scratch myself.
Mercilessly.
I am good to everyone but myself.
And then they step on me.
They push my buttons.
They lie.
They criticize and belittle.
I am not enough to them.
I deserve better than I am receiving,
But if I say or think that, I berate myself for throwing a pity party.
I am trapped in a circle.
Of trying to be what I'm not by making myself into exactly what I don't want to be.
I am broken.
A broken record.
Someone take me off the merry-go-round.
Please.
Smash me into pieces or fix my scratches.
Just make it stop.
But I know I'm the only one with that power.
I used to think beautiful thoughts.
I used to feel beautiful feelings.
I used to smile wider than the moon.
And I likely glowed as much.
But something turned my light off.
Something broke my smile and bent it backward into a pained frown.
Someone snapped it like a rubber band, and it sags uselessly on my face when no one is looking.
I miss myself.
I am searching for her.
Because this imposter is going to kill me.
Someone stop the murderer.
I used to write beautiful poetry.
Sing beautiful songs.
Create beautiful works  of art.
I used to be full of ideas.
So how did I get handcuffed to a concrete wall of shame and depression?
How did I come to loathe myself this way?
What happened, little girl? Sweet girl? Happy girl?
Where are you hiding?
I know the tears that come after the beast has torn my skin up belong to you.
I know the quivering cries and trembling bottom lip are yours.
But where are you?
Trapped inside in one of my rooms.
Locked in like a criminal for your past offenses
of being too soft, too sweet, too patient.
For being trampled and not standing up enough.
Was your punishment to be buried alive?
I travel a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions to try and free you every day,
But I never make it to the end.
Pains and sorrows whisk me back to the entrance every time,
Though I get a little closer to finding you each time.
A little closer today than yesterday.
"I am bound to you by more than what divides us".
"I'll see you again where the sky touches the sea".
"Your light will always illuminate my dark".
I want out.
I must find effortless perfection in the flaw-laden individual that is me.
I want to be perfect.
I want to be beautiful.
And all I have to do is open my eyes and see:
I already am.

I pray anyone who reads will take my words and apply any to their lives that seem suitable...in the hopes that I may help them while I try to help myself...

It's Been a While...

I haven't written anything in quite some time, and rightfully so. I just moved to another state and started a full time job at Subway. I'm hoping that having to keep my hands constantly busy will help me to scratch less, and so far, it's been of some help...of course, all hell broke loose when I got off of work, but tomorrow will be day 2 of my employment, so perhaps tomorrow will be better. I am doing my best not to stress about some loose ends that need tying, and my recovery from losing my relationship is going better than expected, thanks in part to a friend who showed me a very therapeutic way to get my feelings out. I basically write down what I'm thinking on a piece of poster board. Each time I have a thought to express, I write it down...I draw it...artistically. So far, the word "fuck" is on my word collage about 30 times, but I feel much better, and that's what counts. I figure if it helped me feel better about my failed relationship, it can help me feel better about my picking too, and perhaps help me get to the root of the issues I have going on inside.

In the meantime, I need to get to sleep so I can get up for work tomorrow.

Peace.