Applying the 12 Steps of A.A. to Dermatillomania

12 Steps Toward Healing

Some people might find this blog complicated. Some people may think it focuses on too many issues. That should either focus on skin issues or alcoholism, but not both. But in many ways, dealing with dermatillomaniacs is similar to dealing with alcoholics. And I personally have explored the idea of using the 12 steps of Al-Anon/ A.A. for help with my picking. If you replace the word "alcoholism" with "dermatillomania" and replace the word "drinking"and "alcohol" with "scratching", the 12 steps become a tool for those with CSP issues.

1. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable"

 I am powerless over the fact that I have a disorder. I can only do my best to learn how to cope and not allow it to take over my life. My alcoholic can’t control that he is an alcoholic. He will always be one. It’s simply a matter of learning how to cope and function normally.

2. "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

The power of self-forgiveness, faith, and the power of group support and the understanding of others will help restore me. I cannot achieve health by simply “not picking”, just as an alcoholic can’t achieve health by simply not drinking. Support and inner growth and learning are needed.

3. "We made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of god as we understood him"

I interpret this one as learning to let go of control. Because trying to control drinking or picking will only stress you out when you fail time after time. Because it’s not in your hands. This is not a puppet show where you control all the moves; it’s a chess game where you control about half of them. Each day is a game you try to win by watching your opponent’s moves and trying to make the smartest ones you can in return.  It’s coping that you should be trying to do, not controlling.

4. "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

I know I have done myself wrong. I know I have likely lied to people to try and hide my problem. Just as many alcoholics try to hide their problem. In taking a moral inventory, I would recall all of the times I’ve been dishonest or hurt someone as a result of my picking.

5.  "We admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs"The alcoholic or picker would need to stop any internal denial of the fact that they had a problem before they could ever get better. For me, I this blog is my confession to "another person": I'm a scratcher. I hurt myself. I don't want to, but I do. And I'm working to stop and heal.

6. "We were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character"

I interpret this as willingness to heal. The alcoholic or picker needs to be ready to stop. Sometimes they’re perfectly satisfied to be a drunk or perfectly satisfied to be a picker. Someone who doesn’t have a problem with their actions has no motivation to get better and therefore will not get better. I am ready to be done picking. And if you don’t believe that, take a look at the video in my very first blog entry.

7. "We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings"

I interpret this as the alcoholic or picker needing to be willing to ask for help, and understanding that they need it and can’t simply “cut back” or go cold-turkey. But know that no one else is simply going to "remove" your shortcomings. Shortcomings take time and effort to overcome.

8. "We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all"

A follow up of numbers four and five, the alcoholic or picker needs to be willing to call themselves out for the things they’ve done. Sometimes the hardest person to admit the truth to is yourself when you feel rotten. Adding weight to your already burdened shoulders is not easy.

9. "We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"

Also a follow-up of numbers four and five, the alcoholic or picker would apologize to those they’ve hurt, admit their problem, and try to do what we could to make any wrongs right. For me, I admitted to my other half that I had an issue, and that I had inadvertently lied to him because I tried to cling to any reason I could possibly find for my skin issues. I was denying the truth because I felt alone and afraid, not knowing there was a world full of people who did the same thing.

10. "We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it"

To follow numbers 8 and 9, the alcoholic or picker should continue to make things right by learning to identify and admit promptly when they need to make an apology, rather than waiting until another huge wave of guilt to come around. I, for example, would apologize for snapping at someone and getting defensive about my picking when they were only trying to help. Sorry Nate. Sorry Malinda.

11. "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and to carry that out"

I interpret this as saying that the alcoholic or picker should spend time reflecting on themselves and their actions and trying to understand what drives them to pick or drink in order to help them heal.

12. "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"


Lather, rinse, repeat. Don’t just try each step once and think you’ll be healed. Wake up to the fact that life is a continuous process of growth. You stumble, you get up, you walk, and maybe you stumble again, but that’s okay. You will never stop being a picker or an alcoholic if you are one. Why? It’s part of you. And I believe people with issues like this have something in their DNA that makes them susceptible to specific issues, unlike some who believe that alcoholism and the like are matters of choice. Because believe me, if it was a simple matter of choice, I know a man who would be able to sleep without a single drop of beer, and I know a girl who would have the skin of an angel. All we can do is come clean about reality and try our best to heal.

And we will.

Peace.

Dear Skin

Dear Skin,

I'm sorry that sometimes I'm so hard on you. You've been good to me, and you deserve better. I wish that I knew how to stop myself from doing you so much harm. But I'm learning still. I wish you were like a pet or a child that I could give up for adoption to be taken in by someone who could take proper care of you. I hope one day I can do you right 100% of the time. I hope you know that I don't mean to hurt you. Sometimes my brain just tells me that I need to "Fix" you, even though I know deep down you are not broken; I am. I work hard everyday to try and be better for you. And someday, I will be. But until then, I hope you will forgive me, because even though I don't always show it, I love you very much.


Sincerely, Me

Thoughts Of A Sufferer

I want to be better. So very much. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be completely. This is not fair. I did not ask for this. I did not go looking for trouble, but I found it. Will the scars ever fade enough for anyone to treat me normally? To love me? To look at me and not have the first thing they see be scab or scar or fading blemish? What will it take to fix it? I will do anything. Just give me peace. Please. I'm suffering.

One Deep Breath

Stop. Breathe. It's okay not to touch. It's okay to love yourself enough to say "no". You don't have to do that anymore. It can become a thing of the past if you'll allow it. It takes time. It takes work. But it all starts with one deep breath.

You Might Be A Dermatillomaniac...

If you turn a tiny skin imperfection into a bloody grand canyon to try and “fix” it….


If you shed more than five drops of blood on any given day, and sometimes shed just as many tears to go with them…


If you often hear the words “just stop that already!”, “Where did all these scars come from?”, “You know, I have this great acne remedy…”, “Did you have chicken pox?”…


If you’ve ever gotten a nasty look or comment about your sores insinuating that you were a drug addict…


If you have to clip your fingernails to keep yourself from almost uncontrollably using them as weapons against your own flesh…


If every day is a struggle...

If catching your reflection in the mirror can be like becoming suddenly possessed by an evil twin with razor sharp claws...

If someone has ever caught you bleeding because you tore your skin and didn’t notice…


If you feel safer having sex in the dark where no one can see you clear enough to notice your sores…


If you feel ashamed of your skin and dread/avoid sleeveless tops, shorts, swimsuits, or nudity…

If you wonder if you'll ever get better and if the scars will ever fade...


If you wish you could snap your fingers and heal, but instead take those fingers and scratch..

If you wonder if you'll ever look "normal" again...


If you’ve ever taken needles, scissors, bobby pins, push pins etc. to your skin to make it “better”…


If a simple breakout turns into a blood bath…


If you’ve ever lost someone because you won’t leave your skin alone…


If you wear dark clothes so tiny, random blood stains won’t show…


If you want to stop but can’t seem to…


If you feel just as torn up on the inside as the outside…



If patches of your skin look like this…

Or this…

Or worse...



If a day without a drop of blood is a gigantic victory…

If you’re crying while reading this post…

YOU MIGHT BE A DERMATILLOMANIAC.


If you’ve read this, and none of it really applies to you, you at least now know what we suffer. Please have compassion.
Please?

My Thoughts on Healthy Love

I've had this song stuck in my head for two weeks, and it happens to match this post, so I thought I would include it.

This may be one of the cheesiest things I've ever written, but you don't have to like it.

I've come to realize that the way society sometimes makes fun of women for wanting to get married and have kids is completely stupid. Why shouldn't you want to marry the person you love? If they make you happy, why shouldn't the thought cross your mind of spending the rest of your life with them? If their presence puts you at ease and they are a joy and a comfort, what’s the harm in thinking you may want them around forever?

I’ve also come to realize I’ve been holding back. In part because I didn't know if I was ready to accept how I felt for someone who may not feel the way I do, in part because of society making fun of women getting “overly attached”, and in part because logic says I should feel for someone I can actually be with and see on a regular basis.

But here it goes:

I love someone. I’m not sure if I’m “IN” love or not, but I might be. I think about marrying him and having kids sometimes.  There, I said it. And that doesn’t make me a “crazy”, “overly attached”, “overly-emotional”, “typical” female. It makes me human. Even if that person has issues. Even if I have issues.  In fact, even one of my sisters, who is happily married and very logical told me that loving someone with issues is okay, as long as I know and understand their problem and am prepared to be there for them and deal with the consequences. And here’s the thing: I think am prepared for that. Sometimes I feel prepared for anything because I'm still in one piece after so many crazy things happening.  And  It’s okay to love him. It’s okay to forgive. And if that doesn’t sit well with others, they can suck it up and deal with it. Because this is what I've come to feel and find true.



Who doesn’t want love? Who doesn’t want companionship? Who has never in their life considered what it might be like to have a little family and start a new generation?  Who hasn’t looked their serious partner in the face and thought “If we have kids, I hope they have his/her eyes/nose/lips”. It’s natural. And it’s healthy.

There are many kinds of love. Some are healthy, and some are not.



These are my opinions:

An example of unhealthy love would be the “first love” most people experience in their teens and twenties. The obsessive, blind, consuming love. Though it may feel like the most powerful kind of love of all, and though you may never feel as “strongly” for someone again quite that way, I look back on my first love and realize that I was so wrapped up that I was unrealistic about the future. To me, a healthy love considers the concept that things may not last forever. In my first relationship, my other half was “perfect”. He was like a god I worshiped blindly. A healthy love sees the faults of the other party and accepts them, but not blindly. In my first relationship, thinking about not having him made me not want to live. A healthy love is not so dependent. A healthy love accepts that life goes on, even if it hurts a lot. In my first relationship, the feelings of obsession were so explosive that I felt like I would burst at the seams with how amazing I felt.  The second time, the feelings snuck up on me when I was afraid they would not come. And when they did, it was a solid and peaceful feeling rather than a wild and desperate one. If you ask me, a healthy love might even wonder if they’re truly in love because the feeling is so comfortable and relaxed.  You become acclimated, though your eyes still light up around the other person and a soft and special feeling comes. The expectation is generally “fireworks”. Some expect a huge spark and a blazing fire, when really, love can be a soft, steady candle flame.



Healthy love is when you give someone what they truly need- not just what they want or what they deserve… Like when I found an injured butterfly and placed it on a flower rather than holding it in my hands all day and petting it like I wanted to. I gave it what it needed- a safe place. Give them space to heal if they need it, but never make them feel like you're not there for them with that space.

Healthy love is when you see someone in bad shape, but still bask in their beauty and treat them like they’re special….like when you find a leaf so decayed that it’s simply a brown skeleton, but instead of death, you see how precious and wonderful it still is.

Healthy love is when you fight and go your separate ways, and each of you daydreams about making up and restoring the peace.

Healthy love is being mad, but never letting the anger get in the way of you taking care of the other person when they have a need or a problem.

But I think the most important thing about healthy love is something my loved one told me long ago:
“You have to love yourself before you can love me.”

At first, I didn’t know what he meant.

But I do now;

You can’t have healthy love for anyone else until you have healthy love for yourself.

It’s something I believe takes a lifetime to master, but only a moment to understand.

And loving myself means that I accept my feelings for my alcoholic and will not punish myself for them or hold them back in shame or fear anymore.

Loving yourself means letting yourself shine through. It means expressing your inner feelings, allowing yourself to show weakness and cry- something most males in our society are not taught to think is an acceptable thing.

Loving yourself means letting it all hang out while respecting others.

So I’m gonna let it all hang out and stop censoring my true and soft inner self.

So, Why Him? Why Love an Alcoholic?

How can you love someone who does that? Who treats you that way? Who spends so much time and money on booze and seems to forget about you?

Well clearly, I'm not the only one, because there's literature about it:

It's easy to love an alcoholic. But at the same time, it's not. I don't view love as a choice, really. You're at the mercy of your feelings. If I could choose not to love, breakups would be much simpler, as I could just toss my feelings aside and discard them like trash. Loving someone is easy because sometimes the choice is not yours. And it's for that very reason that loving someone can be hard. Because sometimes you love someone who does not love you back. Or you love someone who has an illness, and watching them suffer is hard. And that’s just what alcoholism is: an illness.

Understanding that much of what goes on is out of his hands is what prompts me to stay with my alcoholic in my heart. Yes, there are times I call myself stupid for my loyalty and for not giving up. But there are other times that I know I unabashedly and truly love this person, and that that’s okay; being an alcoholic doesn’t make him any less deserving of my love, just as me being a "scratcher" doesn’t make me less deserving of his.

As painful as it is to be with an alcoholic, I must remember that I’m not the one with the illness; any pain I feel is likely felt by him tenfold over the same situation when he’s sober and admits his problem to himself.

So why do I love him? The same reason you love who you love. Can you really explain it?  It's a combination of so many little things that it would take years to tell you why.  His eyes, his smile, his laugh,the softness he shows when he is sober and truly being himself, his concern for my health, the way he cooks gravy, and overall, his heart and who he is when the mask of alcohol and the social facades are gone and he's just his relaxed self.


Why do I allow his behavior? I don’t. I simply understand it and know that it’s not my fault. Or his.

This is not what he wants.

This is out of his control.

He suffers.
I have mixed feelings; knowing that he can't control it is helpful for not feeling too hurt. But knowing he suffers is not pleasant at all.

And these are just a few of the things that I’ve read he suffers:

• "Alcohol suppresses dreams."
  
  Which, if I recall correctly, means his sleep doesn't get deep enough for him to dream. This was an important thing to remember that kept me from feeling too hurt when my alcoholic said "I don't think I love you because I hardly ever have dreams about you".
  
  At the same time, if he's not sleeping deeply enough to dream, I can only imagine the toll on his body.

• "Alcohol interferes with the sleep. It may be used as a sleep aid, however, the sleep is shallow, and the alcoholic will likely wake up several times or have interrupted sleep."
  
  This is true. I've seen him up or gotten texts at 5AM more times than I can count. At the same time, sometimes he sleeps deep enough on alcohol that he doesn't wake up in time to go use the bathroom. Yes, I've woken up in urine. And each time that happens, I look over and see a little boy in a man's body who looks at me with shame and timidly says "I'm sorry. Are you mad? Please don't be mad; I didn't mean to". I've never felt truly mad at him for this because accidents happen and he has always been good about cleaning up after himself. I just view it as another way alcohol interrupts sleep. But I place myself in his shoes. I imagine the frustration of waking up in the middle of the night every night, sometimes to a wet surprise. I imagine the embarrassment and feelings of guilt and shame that must follow. And I feel that those feelings are punishment enough that no one needs to show anger. And I share this out of the simple reality that it's not uncommon for someone with this problem to wet the bed. I'm not making fun. This does not change his worth or intelligence.

• "Alcoholics often have a hard time establishing emotional connections with others."
  
  This one is helpful for deflecting the pain of "I don't feel as strongly for you as I want to feel for someone". Of course he doesn't. I never expect to hear "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I don't think the ability to connect will ever be fully restored in a heavy drinker.
  
  But imagine struggling to connect with others. When I place myself in his shoes, I feel very alone.
• "The age at which a person becomes an alcoholic is the age at which sometimes their emotional maturity is frozen."
  
   I would agree with this. Sometimes I get a big dose of "horny college freshman" from him that slaps me in the face with actions and comments that make me feel like an unappealing, sexual failure. Then I think of how my body looks in my favorite clothes and remember that the problem is his, not mine. I'm only 20; there's no way I've lost all my sex appeal. He's ten years older; he will before I will. And I think he knows that and is trying to relive his college years of partying and acting like a horn-dog before his "glory days" are over. I don't know how much of that is him and how much is the alcohol.
  
  And again, I place myself in his shoes. This one if harder though. Sometimes when I place myself in his shoes, I feel like someone hit the fast-forward button, and that my body is the right age for serious commitment and marriage, but my brain is thinking of childish things like parties and fast cars and screwing around with drugs and strangers. Other times when I place myself in his shoes, I feel disproportionate. Like parts of me are still growing. Like I have adult hands and baby feet- that something doesn't match up and I'm struggling to walk consistently. Only those hands and feet represent his maturity vs the rest of him. Again, this one is complicated.
• "Alcoholics often pick on the faults of others (however small) to subconsciously try to bring that person to their level so they don’t feel as bad for their problem".
  
  
  I recall this any time I'm."scolded" for chewing gum or not knowing how to swim.
  
  But imagine feeling so bad that you have to play a little bit of a bully to loved ones.
  
  Imagine feeling so bad about yourself that you have to pick on another person's flaw of something as silly as the inability to swim.
• "Alcoholics have a fear of commitment."
  
  
  I think of this one any time my brain says "But you guys care about each other, what the hell happened?! A breakup?!" It may not be entirely reliant on fear of commitment, but it's helpful to think that and it helps keep me from playing the blame game. Still, I think about how it would feel to care for someone, and know they love you, but have this inner indecisiveness that hurts the both of you.
• "Alcoholics suffer feelings of severe guilt, even if they don’t show it."
  
  And as much as I hate to see people hurting, when my alcoholic shows me that he feels bad and sheds tears, a part of me feels good because I am reminded that he doesn't like hurting me any more than I like being hurt. It reminds me that he has a problem and helps me calm down and remember that it's nobody's fault. At the same time, I don't want the one I love to hurt. I want him to admit his actions and take responsibility for them, but I don't want him to be weighed down by guilt.

Reading helps. Understanding helps. It doesn’t mean that I don’t lose my patience now and then, but it does mean that in my heart I know that when he hurts me or stumbles on his journey to recovering, I can find peace in remembering that “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”.

I’ve provided images of some reading material given to me by my Al Anon group that have helped me feel like I understand my alcoholic better, as well as myself in some ways. I hope anyone reading will find them useful:

Love and compassion are big ones for me, as I have a caring nature. It is innate for me to try and protect, to coddle, to defend. But I’ve also learned that I have to find the balance between showing that love and compassion without failing to let him take responsibility for his actions or failing to make him clean up his own messes. I don’t know how many times I’ve defended his actions to friends and family, covered up for him because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy for loving someone who was not stable. Yes, sometimes I sat there and took it when I should have spoken up, but it was an attempt to show that love and compassion that I knew he needed. It saddens me every time I lose my patience with him, as I know there are things I cannot un-say or undo. And I know that if not for the problem of alcohol, I would never dream I would lash out the way I have sometimes. It truly is a “family” disease. I may not be his family, but sometimes I feel very ill from alcoholism. Because my logic tells me that I should avoid this kind of pain. But my heart tells me that the hurt is worth the person being buried by illness.

I have two sides.

Two opinions.

Two approaches.

One is soft, the other hard.

One is optimistic, the other pessimistic.

In fact, the difference between the two is so drastic that I will illustrate my thought processes.

Half the time, this is what I tell myself:

Dear Very  Optimistic Self,

You know you love him. You know what you want. And if you just hang in there and just be there for him, you will see him recover. He wants this. You know he does. He wants to get better. He loves you, you love him, and you are good for each other. Without the effects of the illnesses in the relationship, everything would very likely be close to perfect. You will heal, he will heal, and when that happens, amazing things will take place. You are strong. You can wait this storm out and come out on the other side with exactly what you want; a healthier version of the man you love- one who is ready and willing to commit. And when that day comes, you know you want to be there to hug him and celebrate that victory. Don’t give up on what your heart wants! You’re a good, sweet girl and you’re worth settling down for.

The other half of the time, this is what I tell myself:

Dear Very Pessimistic Self,

He’s never coming back. He does not love you anymore, and perhaps he never did. He can’t. He’s not well enough to be able to. You’re an idiot for loving someone who has never and can never reflect your feelings. You think you can get through this, but you will only find disappointment as he moves on to another girl and another bottle. And by the time he gets better, he will no longer care for you anyhow. He will change, and you will be insignificant. Other things are more important to him than a girl who puts up with being trampled and thinks she’s being understanding. You’re a fool to think that just because you’re sweet and try your hardest and love him that things will work out. His feelings die every day with every bottle, and you will never be able to soothe him the way alcohol can, no matter how much you want to. You are an unnecessary and undesired element in this equation. He can do without you, but he can’t do without alcohol. This is hopeless. YOU are hopeless. Know your lack of worth in this situation and give up already!

I am a broken butterfly. Half of me wants to soar, and the other half just can't seem to gather the strength to do it consistently. I am a yo-yo being dropped to the ground as soon as I feel "up" and suddenly yanked to redemption at the last minute before I hit. I'm riding the roller-coaster of alcoholism. I'm up and down so much that it balances out and leaves me feeling stuck in the middle of my two selves. I don't want to be the mean, grouchy pessimist...toward myself or my alcoholic. But maybe it just makes me human.

Which side is the devil and which is the angel in this situation, I have no clue. Though most of the time, the pessimistic side feels like the devil side. 

I often debate whether my love is healthy or not, and whether my optimistic self is right or my pessimistic self is right, but regardless, my love for this person stands. And perhaps I will write a follow up post exploring the concept of healthy love.  In the meantime, I cannot help my feelings. I can only offer my kindness and compassion to a man who may never know how much he means to me.

Peace