This particular set of lyrics has struck me and stayed with me as of late:
"Gotta find your inner strength.
If you can't you'll just throw life away.
Gotta learn to rely on you;
beauty, strength and wisdom too.
You're beautiful inside and out.
Lead a great life without a doubt.
Don't need a man to make things fair,
Cos more than likely, he won't be there.
So listen girl, gotta know it's true:
In the end all you've got is you."
INNER STRENGTH:
The part about men obviously doesn't apply to all of those who read, but so much of that song is true. You do have to find the strength inside. You do have to learn to rely on yourself. You are beautiful. And in the end, it's true that you are all you have. When you look in the mirror each morning, you are the only person you have to answer to. And if you don't have some kind of strength inside, you're wasting your precious time. It makes me consider MY inner strength. I am a very strong person. I have fought long and hard for inner peace, outer peace, and "skin" peace. I am tolerant of others as much as I can be, I forgive others, and I consider myself merciful toward others- all things I need to direct toward myself more; all things that would improve my inner strength if I directed them toward myself more. And perhaps things that would improve yours if you did the same.
Reflecting on the last several months and the last year as a whole...or two years, really...I find that the first thing that comes to mind when I think of endurance is the problem I developed with anemia. I'd been feeling sluggish and tired, and looked so worn down and pale for so long. I thought it had to do with simple stress and perhaps depression and/or sadness over the way I was treating myself, and the sorrow I felt for my other half and his addiction. But I was determined to be a strong woman and wade through the flood and storm until I came out victorious rather than giving up and cowering. It wasn't until one day when I was listening to my nutrition class lecture about deficiencies that I thought it could be something completely unrelated. And when I got my blood drawn and found out that my hemoglobin levels were near the point of me needing to be hospitalized, I felt a sudden and strong sense of mercy and compassion for myself. The doctor told me to sleep, to eat well, and to take care of myself. She basically told me to love myself. But that's not the part that stuck with me the most. It was her reaction to my condition. What is the significance of this? The response from the doctor. Because it has stuck with me:
"I'm stunned, most people would be on the floor in your condition. Yet here you are, up and about, doing your thing- going to school and working hard and looking gorgeous as though nothing is wrong."
Why did hearing that from her stick with me? Because that's what I want in my life as a whole. That's what I want both others and myself to see. I want to stand where most people would have fallen. I want my inner strength to shine though the haze of anything I'm going through. I want to be up and about, working hard, and looking fine, even when things aren't. Luckily, though I strive for this, I am not afraid of showing my weakness either. I think there's a great deal to be said about self-expression. Showing the entire spectrum of my feelings makes me feel alive. It feels just as relieving to cry as to smile sometimes, though in different ways. Crying is strength too. And I mustn't forget that. Being open about the fact that I hurt is strength. Going to the doctor when something doesn't feel right is a form of strength. Asking for help or advice, or telling someone what I'm going through is a form of strength. The fact that I'm alive and dealing with problems rather than running from them with the help of drugs or substances or suicide- that's a strong thing. And I need to give myself more credit. You probably need to give yourself more credit for your strength too.
I have faced some of my deepest fears in the past several years. And I'm still standing. And if you're reading this, you're still standing too despite whatever you are going through and whatever you have been through. And in knowing that, you may find that you are stronger than you think.
No matter the reason you are reading this, whether you are an addict, a picker, or just curious what some girl from the northwest has to think, you have the capacity to heal simply from knowing how it feels to struggle.
You have inner strength. Find it. Free yourself.
Peace.
