Remembering to Take Care

I am a forgetful person. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like I can't recall the events of my life up to the present moment. I have moments, hours, sometimes a full day, where I feel like I have to contemplate and remind myself of who I am, what I'm like, and what normal is for me. Maybe that's part of what helps make me resilient.

There are times I feel jolted awake, and suddenly wonder- what have I been doing this whole time? What have I been thinking? How did I get here.

The most significant example I can offer is remembering to take care of myself. What have I been thinking this whole time? Why didn't I notice a problem with my picking sooner? Why haven't I taken more action...SERIOUS action to remedy the situation? Why do I forget basic facts? Like that diet, sleep, and drinking water all effect my skin and could help prevent breakouts, and thus make not picking a little easier? I sometimes forget that showering exists for a couple of days. I forget normal things like flossing and shaving and tweezing my eyebrows, and yet I'm consumed, SO CONSUMED with how my skin looks, which is not so normal in comparison.

My focus is off.

Taking care of my skin is good on some level, but my skin is one small part of me. And I need to stop neglecting the others.

(The only thing I would change about the above picture would be to change "this month I promise" to "every day I will do my best")




When you love something, you take good care of it. And I've been doing a poor job.

Hair, I love you.
Skin, I love you.
Eyes, nose, ears, mouth, I love you.
Hands, fingers, toes, feet, back, booty,  breasts, muscles, heart, legs, arms teeth, tongue, tummy.....everything. I love it all and need to remember to take care of all of me.

Maybe you do too.

Because loving yourself is more than just an emotion. It's an action. And actions must be practiced.

Maybe think about it while you sip your morning coffee.

Maybe just stop in the middle of bashing yourself, or picking yourself, and remember that you are a beautiful human being.


We are more than skin. We are more than the magnifying-glass eyes and razor sharp claws of Dermatillomania.

We are travellers on the highway to healing...and even when we come across a flat tire or break down on the side of the road, every day we are closer to our destination.

A Fan Club of One

They say "Treat others the way you want to be treated", but I feel that there is just as much value in the phrase "Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you".

You have the power to be exactly where you want to be.

You just have to find that power within.

Sometimes the power is in accepting that things are the way they were meant to be, and appreciating that for what it is.

Other times, the power is in seeing where change is needing, and using your inner strength to resolve the discomfort.

You are the most important element in your own support.

It doesn't matter who, or how many are on your side if you are not among them.

You are the foundation for your house of a life, and without you, nothing stands.

Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Heal yourself. Change yourself. And cheer yourself on for trying. For waking up each morning and making the effort to get through the hardest of days and make the changes you're trying to make.

Each person needs a fan club- a fan club of one, where they act as their own cheerleader.

Because what good are a thousand people cheering you on if you don't even have your own back?

So today, I'm going to toot my own horn, and cheer myself on, and hopefully encourage anyone who is reading to do the same.

LOVE

I'm going to stop trying to love myself. Because I don't have to try. Love is an effortless emotion. The effort comes in maintaining the outer love. In my opinion, commitment and treatment are outward expressions of love. I may very well love myself inside, but I need to commit to myself. And I need to treat myself like I love myself before I ask anyone else to commit or treat me a certain way, and before I try to do that for anyone else. That's something wonderful a loved one helped me learn.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

Another loved one made the the above picture as a surprise to cheer me up a couple years ago. I revisited that picture specifically for this blog, because it speaks volumes to me today. I vow to love my Laura the way she deserves to be loved. Because he didn't. And because I've failed to also. And I hope you will love your Kate, Nate, Jack, Jane, or Jill the way they deserve too.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

FORGIVENESS

I have to forgive myself before I can forgive anyone else, or expect anyone else to forgive me. Se;f-forgiveness is one of the hardest things in the world. But if you can't find it in you to let go, you will weigh yourself down from the future you desire. I will let go.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

HEALING

Internal repairs are a personal thing no one can fix for you. And I have cut myself open many a time trying to help fix others who are broken. Mine are the only pieces I know how to place and glue back together.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

CHANGE

Change begins within. Change is up to you. Keep near those who have supported and loved you and enriched your life, but more importantly, be someone who loves and supports you and enrich your own life.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

Have the courage to stand up and say "I deserve better, and damn it, I'm going to let better into my heart!" It's hard to let go of things we are attached to, even when they have let us down and let us know that we are no longer in need of that element in our lives. Like picking. Like friends who use us. Like bad habits. It's not easy to let go, even if it's the answer. And I will let go.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

I don't want the wilted, leftover flowers from a bouquet of sorrow. I want a garden that flourishes. And I have to tend to it.

(The above photo is a variety of rose referred to as "Candy Cane", which is my Grandfather's special rose for me.)

I will heal.

And I'm doing a wonderful job. And I am strong for trying. And I will keep going.

And you're doing a wonderful job. And you are strong for trying. And you will keep going.

Peace.

(I like this video better when I mute it and play my favorite song to it instead, but the words are the most important.)

I Will Make Today A Good One

My nails have been trimmed.
My wounds have been cleaned and covered with coconut oil to soften them so they will be less appealing to pick.
I am relaxed and focused.
I have long sleeves on, and am covered from neck to toes in a cocoon of fabric that will protect me as my skin transforms and heals underneath.
I have decided that I'm going to make today a good day if it kills me.
Because it's already killing me.

Sisyphus

I am Sisyphus.

Bound to my own personal and repetitive hell.

But few people can see the rock I battle with.

They only see the evidence that my body is tired of fighting.

Those who do see the rock don't understand that it's not as simple as just letting it go.

I fight my way to the top.

And just when I think I'll finally see the other side of the hill and send my stone rolling down away from me, I slip, and it runs me over.

I'm left with wounds of war.

Only to start all over again.

When all I truly want is rest.

I will heal. One day.

My Hands Will Create, Not Destroy

I focus a lot about the destruction I do with my hands, but I'd like to take a moment to share some of the things they create instead.

Peace.

What I Want: Significant Other Edition

I've been thinking a lot lately about my boundaries. And the more I think and write down, the closer I think I'm getting to getting back in touch with myself a little better.

"The secret to a good, lasting relationship is not simply finding the right person...It's being the right person."

That includes a good relationship with myself.


I was thinking about writing a post about what I wanted in a partner...And realized it was the perfect opportunity to also turn that into a post about what kind of partner I wanted to be...both to myself and others.

So here's my list:
I Want a Partner/ I Want to be a Partner Who...


Gives full respect to their other half.

Has let go of the past and is ready for a bright new future.


Apologizes for mistakes


Can look past my skin and flaws and see my heart.


Cares about my health and theirs.


Doesn't do hard drugs


Reminds me/reminds my partner of my/their potential when I/they lose sight of it.



Helps me keep my goals and promises to myself, as I will help him.


Will accept me in sickness or health- emotionally or physically, as I will them.


Uses self control- sexually and with substances

Is turned on by our emotional connection/love, first and foremost


Gives amazing hugs





Respects physical boundaries


Communicates as openly as possible


Who will make the efforts necessary to be with me, as I will with him


Will work hard to maintain the healthiest relationship possible


Will be patient with me as I learn and grow, as I will with him.


Doesn't care about how "manly", powerful, or wealthy he seems to others, and I want to be a partner who doesn't care too much about my own appearance.


Who is mature enough for/ willing to make a serious commitment.


Loves me, as I will love them.


A man who has those qualities is a man I would feel safe loving, (Though real love loves regardless of expectations and lists). And I want to be someone that others are not afraid to love.

Curly hair and smoldering, dark eyes that twinkle would be a nice bonus.

I may add more to this list later, and I know this has little to do with my skin...or it could have much to do with my skin...but mostly, this list is for me- a reminder of what I want and deserve....Which, really, is what everyone wants and deserves more or less.

Many Little Wounds from One Big Wound

Please,

Understand me. Understand that I'm not crazy. Maybe something happened when I was little. Maybe something is unhealthy on the inside, whether emotionally or physically. Maybe both. But I'm getting to the bottom of it. It doesn't make me a disturbed person to avoid. It doesn't make me "fucked up". I have a wound. Literally. One big wound. And these little wounds of the skin are simply a symptom.

"Skin Picking Disorder

Skin Picking Disorder (also known as Excoriation Disorder or SPD) is a serious and poorly understood problem. People who suffer from SPD repetitively touch, rub, scratch, pick at, or dig into their skin, often in an attempt to remove small irregularities or perceived imperfections. This behavior may result in skin discoloration or scarring. In more serious cases, severe tissue damage and visible disfigurement can result.
SPD is thought of as one of many Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs) in which a person can cause harm or damage to themselves or their appearance. Other BFRBs include hair pulling disorder (trichotillomania), biting the insides of the cheeks, and severe nail biting.
Skin picking or other BFRBs can occur when a person experiences feelings such as anxiety, fear, excitement or boredom. Some people report that the act of repetitively picking at their skin is pleasurable. Many hours can be spent picking the skin, and this repetitive behavior can negatively impact a person's social, work, and family relationships.
Though skin picking often occurs on its own-unconnected to other physical or mental disorders-it is important to identify whether or not skin picking is a symptom of another problem that needs treatment. For example, skin picking could be a symptom of illnesses such as dermatological disorders, autoimmune problems, body dysmorphic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, substance abuse disorders (such as opiate withdrawal), developmental disorders (like autism), and psychosis. Establishing whether skin picking is an independent problem or a symptom of another disorder is an important first step in creating an appropriate treatment plan."

Source: http://www.trich.org/about/skin-picking.html

"Skin Picking: What are the Causes?

The cause of this disorder remains a mystery. However, research shows that some animals also pick or chew at their bodies, causing great damage. Because of this similarity, and the fact that in some women skin picking can fluctuate with the menstrual cycle, many believe that skin picking has an underlying genetic or biological cause.
Skin picking may also serve as an emotional outlet for some people. Repetitive skin picking appears to be a way for some people to increase their activity levels when they are bored, or to control their emotions when they are feeling anxious, tense or upset. The fact that some individuals can actually regulate their emotions by picking their skin may be why they develop this problem in the first place. Skin picking may cause a person to "numb" or "zone out" as a way of dealing with feelings that seem overwhelming. However, this has not been scientifically proven.

Is skin picking a self-injurious behavior, like cutting or burning yourself?

No. Skin picking can sometimes be confused with self-injurious and self-mutilating behaviors like cutting or burning of the skin because of the appearance of skin wounds and the fact that skin picking is self-inflicted. However, it is very important to distinguish between these two types of behaviors. People with skin picking disorder do not wish to cause themselves pain in order to relieve a sense of numbness or to assert a level of control over their bodies like those who cut or burn themselves. While people who pick their skin may find picking to be a pleasurable act, the aftermath is actually one of distress and remorse.

How does chronic skin picking start?

Skin picking can begin in a number of ways, but two in particular are quite common. First, a person may experience an injury to or disease of the skin. When the wound starts to heal, a scab forms and sometimes starts to itch. This may lead the person to pick or scratch at the scab. Unfortunately, with further trauma, the skin never completely heals. This can result in repeated scabbing and itching, which is then relieved with further picking. In other cases, people with chronic skin picking report that picking began during, or soon after, a very stressful event in their lives. The person slowly learns that skin picking can work to control their feelings and emotions and they continue to pick in the future."

Source: http://www.trich.org/about/skin-causes.html

Tired

I'm tired.
Of the blood.
Of the bandaids.
Of looking like a drug addict and looking in the mirror to see an acne-covered 13 year-old when really, I'm a woman of nearly 21.
I'm tired of people asking, and I'm tired of having to make up reasons for my appearance because I don't have enough time to explain the truth.
I'm tired of the peroxide, the ointments, the red under my fingernails that reminds me it's past time that I clipped them.
I'm tired of questions.
Don't ask me how my skin is. Ask me how I am. On the inside.
Because on the inside, I'm a panting dog.
Been running for too long.
I need to put some things to rest before I can rest myself.
I'm tired of sore spots.
I'm tired of the Morse code- the scar dots and scar dashes that people try to read rather than looking at my eyes.
I hate this.
This is not me.
This is not what I want.
I'm tired.
I want to heal.
And damn it,
nothing can stop me from doing so.
Because I'm too tired not to.