Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Untitled
My skin (face especially) just feel and look dirty. I'm struggling right now. And I feel like I
have to do something about it. But I know I shouldn't do a damn thing.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Resilient
These days, I am able to say "No" much faster.
And when I say it, I'm more able to stick to it.
It's not just a matter of willingness.
The ability grows little by little, like a muscle.
Like anyone with an addiction or impulse control disorder, I will mess up.
Sometimes the muscle gets pulled and I can't use it so well for a couple of days.
But it always gets better.
I'm coming to some very silly realizations.
Did you know, that when you leave your skin alone, it heals?
It seems so obvious, yet I feel like I'm just discovering this.
Did you know that when you leave pimples alone, sometimes they go away much faster than they would if you had interfered?That if you leave a scab alone, sometimes it takes only 2 days for it to go away?
And even if you don't, it still finds a way to patch itself up.
I'm baffled by such resilience.
And baffled again when I realize that I too am just as resilient.
Why didn't they teach a skin class in high school...about how amazing it is...
About how fabulous is it that our skin forgives us and heals, no matter how we seem to screw it over?
Yet when observing someone with Dermatillomania, I often find that they too seem to get screwed over often and forgive just the same.
We are a lot like our skin;
We heal.
Sometimes faster or slower depending on the circumstances,
But we still find a way.
And when I say it, I'm more able to stick to it.
It's not just a matter of willingness.
The ability grows little by little, like a muscle.
Like anyone with an addiction or impulse control disorder, I will mess up.
Sometimes the muscle gets pulled and I can't use it so well for a couple of days.
But it always gets better.
I'm coming to some very silly realizations.
Did you know, that when you leave your skin alone, it heals?
It seems so obvious, yet I feel like I'm just discovering this.
Did you know that when you leave pimples alone, sometimes they go away much faster than they would if you had interfered?That if you leave a scab alone, sometimes it takes only 2 days for it to go away?
And even if you don't, it still finds a way to patch itself up.
I'm baffled by such resilience.
And baffled again when I realize that I too am just as resilient.
Why didn't they teach a skin class in high school...about how amazing it is...
About how fabulous is it that our skin forgives us and heals, no matter how we seem to screw it over?
Yet when observing someone with Dermatillomania, I often find that they too seem to get screwed over often and forgive just the same.
We are a lot like our skin;
We heal.
Sometimes faster or slower depending on the circumstances,
But we still find a way.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Coming to Peace
I am beautiful.
I am healing.
There is no work left for my hands to do to my face, by back, my arms.
My body is beautiful.
All of it:
Every hair out of place,
every blemish, bump, pimple, mark, and wound.
I am coming to peace with myself.
My war-torn skin has cried out too many times for me not to listen.
I am healing.
There is no work left for my hands to do to my face, by back, my arms.
My body is beautiful.
All of it:
Every hair out of place,
every blemish, bump, pimple, mark, and wound.
I am coming to peace with myself.
My war-torn skin has cried out too many times for me not to listen.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Words Aren't Enough
I once was told
that the rain would turn to skies of gold.
But rain, it still falls-
rolling down the windows and the walls.
And now I see
that golden skies weren’t meant for me;
I was made
to dwell in the rain.
Night is falling,
but I can’t sleep.
Dawn is calling
but sleep, sleep, I can’t sleep.
And your eyes
turn to golden skies,
and I’m lost in your love.
Oh, how I love you,
how I love you,
so much that words aren’t enough.
Enough
Cos you showed me
even rain holds its own beauty.
You were brave
to show me the way.
Night is falling,
but I can’t sleep.
Dawn is calling,
but sleep, sleep, I can’t sleep
And your eyes
are the reason why
I’m lost in your love.
And I won’t rest
‘til I see gold skies
shining bright up above.
Oh, how I love you,
how I love you,
so much that words aren’t enough,
enough
enough
Cos I’m lost, I’m lost,
Lost in your love.
Lost,
Lost,
Lost,
I’m lost.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Love Me or Leave Me
I am human. Sometimes, humans mess up. Humans are not perfect. I am not
your tan porn star, your glossy magazine girl, your Miami beach babe,
your beautifully-obedient, smiling fool. I hold neither bible nor cross
in my soft hands, yet I am gentle and moral and kind. I'm not what I
seem, but exactly what I say. I'm a challenge. I'm a maze of sass and
flaws. So love me for who and what and how I am. Or get out of my life.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Alone
I presently live in a house with five other people. Yet I feel alone. I know my
family loves me, and I forgive my parents for the things they've done
that hurt me because I know it was not their intent, but I can't help
but be faced with the thought- if I were not related to them, I'm not
the kind of person they would choose to love and hold in their lives. If
I were any other atheist girl walking down the street, they would not
care. I sense my presence as an obligation to many family members as
they feel the tension of their beliefs being challenged by my lack of
agreement. How can a girl raised in such a good family go sour? Well, we've identified the official black sheep. Let's keep the little ones away from her- she's a threat.
I am not happy here. And I can't help but feel like it's time to move
on with my life and start seeking the materials to build a family of my
own.... even if that family is just me and an apartment full of cats.
Maybe it's a matter of just wanting someone who I feel does not judge me for my beliefs...for my skin...for my disorder...for anything, really. I want a home, and a companion...good food, a fireplace, and peace. And I really don't feel like that's too much to ask for.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Practical
About a month ago, I took a trip up to my university (I live off campus) to speak with a career counselor about getting help with declaring my major. We talked a little bit about my interests and capabilities, and when I finished telling her about myself, I lifted my chin, took a deep breath through my nose and firmly told her:
"I want to make the most sensible choice that will be most likely to give me a successful future career."
I explained how I had some factors in my life that I felt were keeping me from thinking 1000% clearly, and that I wanted her to be blunt about what was best for me. She asked me what the factors were specifically, and I shrugged.
"Well, they're not academic factors so much as they are personal ones, and it's not your job to listen to me gush- I don't know if I should be bringing them up."
As it turned out, she was a psychologist as well as a career counselor, and again invited me to share anything I felt comfortable sharing. I confessed that I had feelings for someone, and was concerned that those feelings would cloud my mind to the point where I didn't make a smart academic decision. I told her I didn't want to be one of those "stupid" girls that put their life on hold for a boy. I told her of my desire to be close to my family, but the trouble I had feeling welcome as an atheist when they were all baptists. I told her I wanted to be happy, but that I knew I needed to be practical. She looked thoughtful and rubbed her chin. I almost expected her to pull the stereotypical "and how do you feel about that?", but instead, she asked:
"Tell me, what would you do if you weren't practical about this and just went with your feelings?"
I didn't hesitate:
"If I wasn't being practical, I'd get the hell out of this city because I hate it, I'd move far away from the judgement I get as an atheist in a family full of baptists, and I'd go try to scrape up the remains of my fucked-up long-distance relationship and either try to tie the loose ends and say a final goodbye, or put it back together because I'm a lonely moron and I can't seem to hate him no matter how I try."
The rest of the conversation was spent talking about finding the balance between strictly practical and strictly wishful. She told me that well-being in the present was just as important as my potential future career. She assured me that if I felt like moving away and trying to salvage a broken relationship or tie the ends and finish it off, it would improve the way I felt and give me closure (one way or the other), and that I should do that AND pursue my major. That was when I learned I had the option to do an online major. I figured it would kill many birds with one stone- I would be able to live away from that dreaded college town, it would free me up to move wherever I wanted and not be forced to live in close proximity to the blatant differences between me and my family, and I would be free to go tie loose ends.
All in all, this woman made me realize that practical is more than just doing the best thing career-wise, but that practical has a lot to do with being emotionally happy enough to be in a position to prepare myself for that future career. I've realized that my inability to change factors in my life that were bothering me has been keeping me emotionally down. Feeling stuck where I don't feel loved has me feeling depressed. And with this change in my ability to rid of the factors I don't like, I hope to lift my spirits.
"I want to make the most sensible choice that will be most likely to give me a successful future career."
I explained how I had some factors in my life that I felt were keeping me from thinking 1000% clearly, and that I wanted her to be blunt about what was best for me. She asked me what the factors were specifically, and I shrugged.
"Well, they're not academic factors so much as they are personal ones, and it's not your job to listen to me gush- I don't know if I should be bringing them up."
As it turned out, she was a psychologist as well as a career counselor, and again invited me to share anything I felt comfortable sharing. I confessed that I had feelings for someone, and was concerned that those feelings would cloud my mind to the point where I didn't make a smart academic decision. I told her I didn't want to be one of those "stupid" girls that put their life on hold for a boy. I told her of my desire to be close to my family, but the trouble I had feeling welcome as an atheist when they were all baptists. I told her I wanted to be happy, but that I knew I needed to be practical. She looked thoughtful and rubbed her chin. I almost expected her to pull the stereotypical "and how do you feel about that?", but instead, she asked:
"Tell me, what would you do if you weren't practical about this and just went with your feelings?"
I didn't hesitate:
"If I wasn't being practical, I'd get the hell out of this city because I hate it, I'd move far away from the judgement I get as an atheist in a family full of baptists, and I'd go try to scrape up the remains of my fucked-up long-distance relationship and either try to tie the loose ends and say a final goodbye, or put it back together because I'm a lonely moron and I can't seem to hate him no matter how I try."
The rest of the conversation was spent talking about finding the balance between strictly practical and strictly wishful. She told me that well-being in the present was just as important as my potential future career. She assured me that if I felt like moving away and trying to salvage a broken relationship or tie the ends and finish it off, it would improve the way I felt and give me closure (one way or the other), and that I should do that AND pursue my major. That was when I learned I had the option to do an online major. I figured it would kill many birds with one stone- I would be able to live away from that dreaded college town, it would free me up to move wherever I wanted and not be forced to live in close proximity to the blatant differences between me and my family, and I would be free to go tie loose ends.
All in all, this woman made me realize that practical is more than just doing the best thing career-wise, but that practical has a lot to do with being emotionally happy enough to be in a position to prepare myself for that future career. I've realized that my inability to change factors in my life that were bothering me has been keeping me emotionally down. Feeling stuck where I don't feel loved has me feeling depressed. And with this change in my ability to rid of the factors I don't like, I hope to lift my spirits.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Knowledge is Power
I am hopeful. With my business hopes on the rise, my schooling taken
care of and on top of (I'm even taking a business course), my major
declared, and some other uncertainties about to be resolved, I feel as
though I have come a long way from when I first began this blog. And
maybe I only have one or two consistent readers, but that's okay because
this blog is mostly just for me to have an outlet.
If more people understood what it was really like to be a Dermatillomaniac, and didn't just assume it was a bad habit (I don't think my family really believes in OCD or Impulse Control Disorders) or me trying to hurt myself ( to be fair, I used to think it was like cutting), maybe I wouldn't have to express myself on a simple web page among billions that most people will never see.
If more people understood, maybe I'd be getting more encouragement from the average Joe/Jane, rather than remarks and questions that put me on the spot. When I try to explain it, many people tell me to go to group therapy or see a doctor. And I've tried both. But no one there understood my issue, even though they offered their condolences.
Dermatillomania is not like Alcoholism or drug abuse in the way that every town has AA meetings or recovery centers for drug abuse nearby. Most people have never even heard of it. Even those who have it don't always know that it's a legitimate "thing", rather than a stupid and embarrassing habit. In fact, it wasn't even a year ago that I myself found out that Compulsive Skin Picking was a real thing that thousands of (if not more) people struggle with. And if I hadn't signed up for an online "Stress Management and Well-Being" course at my university that quarter, I often wonder if I would still be in the dark.
And since finding out that my "issue" is many people's "issue" too, and since I began reading, I've made leaps, bounds, and strides toward becoming healthier.
Because knowledge is power.
Knowledge gives you the power to make a difference, to head in an educated direction, and to better your life.
Peace.
If more people understood what it was really like to be a Dermatillomaniac, and didn't just assume it was a bad habit (I don't think my family really believes in OCD or Impulse Control Disorders) or me trying to hurt myself ( to be fair, I used to think it was like cutting), maybe I wouldn't have to express myself on a simple web page among billions that most people will never see.
If more people understood, maybe I'd be getting more encouragement from the average Joe/Jane, rather than remarks and questions that put me on the spot. When I try to explain it, many people tell me to go to group therapy or see a doctor. And I've tried both. But no one there understood my issue, even though they offered their condolences.
Dermatillomania is not like Alcoholism or drug abuse in the way that every town has AA meetings or recovery centers for drug abuse nearby. Most people have never even heard of it. Even those who have it don't always know that it's a legitimate "thing", rather than a stupid and embarrassing habit. In fact, it wasn't even a year ago that I myself found out that Compulsive Skin Picking was a real thing that thousands of (if not more) people struggle with. And if I hadn't signed up for an online "Stress Management and Well-Being" course at my university that quarter, I often wonder if I would still be in the dark.
And since finding out that my "issue" is many people's "issue" too, and since I began reading, I've made leaps, bounds, and strides toward becoming healthier.
Because knowledge is power.
Knowledge gives you the power to make a difference, to head in an educated direction, and to better your life.
Peace.
Today's Steps Forward 1/8/14
Today:
I bought some multivitamins, not only because my doctor suggested it for my slight lack of vitamin D, but I bought a specific formula that's supposed to help with healthy growth of hair, skin, and nails.
I am also making a constant effort to improve my diet in a way that will help healing and growth (most especially for the skin). Tomorrow's supper will be homemade lentil soup with mushrooms, and potentially some zucchini.
I went in to two different dressing rooms in an effort to find more warm clothes, and again, no blood was drawn and no damage done to my skin. I stepped back, nodded, told myself I was beautiful, and ended up with both happy skin and the warmest, coziest pair of sweatpants I've ever owned. I feel so spoiled.
I realized that it has been quite some time (2 months?) since I've had any deep, lingering wounds that I couldn't leave alone. They were never deep because I never let them get that far, even when I had a couple of the itchiest (mosquito?) bites I've ever experienced.
I bought some multivitamins, not only because my doctor suggested it for my slight lack of vitamin D, but I bought a specific formula that's supposed to help with healthy growth of hair, skin, and nails.
I am also making a constant effort to improve my diet in a way that will help healing and growth (most especially for the skin). Tomorrow's supper will be homemade lentil soup with mushrooms, and potentially some zucchini.
I went in to two different dressing rooms in an effort to find more warm clothes, and again, no blood was drawn and no damage done to my skin. I stepped back, nodded, told myself I was beautiful, and ended up with both happy skin and the warmest, coziest pair of sweatpants I've ever owned. I feel so spoiled.
I realized that it has been quite some time (2 months?) since I've had any deep, lingering wounds that I couldn't leave alone. They were never deep because I never let them get that far, even when I had a couple of the itchiest (mosquito?) bites I've ever experienced.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Control
I have noticed something that I hope my fellow Derma sufferers will give me feedback on:
I tend to pick more, and more "aggressively" when I feel like I have no control over my life and negative changes/events are afoot.
Perhaps that's why I've been doing so much better in the past several months; I realize that there is much more under my control that I thought. I am not an airplane spiraling out of control. I am the captain and I have the wheel, even when there is turbulence.
I may not be able to control everything, but I can control how and whether or not I let myself absorb it.
I hope you'll give that some deep thought.
I tend to pick more, and more "aggressively" when I feel like I have no control over my life and negative changes/events are afoot.
Perhaps that's why I've been doing so much better in the past several months; I realize that there is much more under my control that I thought. I am not an airplane spiraling out of control. I am the captain and I have the wheel, even when there is turbulence.
I may not be able to control everything, but I can control how and whether or not I let myself absorb it.
I hope you'll give that some deep thought.
Monday, January 6, 2014
A Thought
Captain's log, stardate 1-6-14:
I have noticed that my hair is taking a long time to grow, and my skin takes a long time to heal sometimes, even when I leave it alone. I m considering investing in some multi-vitamins to help me make sure I'm getting enough of the vitamins and minerals needed to aid the body with growth and healing. Though given my recent and startling increase in bra size, I'd say growth is not an issue. Perhaps my body is sending all of it's attention there and has forgotten about the rest of itself. I will investigate this further and do afollow-up report.
Picard out.
I have noticed that my hair is taking a long time to grow, and my skin takes a long time to heal sometimes, even when I leave it alone. I m considering investing in some multi-vitamins to help me make sure I'm getting enough of the vitamins and minerals needed to aid the body with growth and healing. Though given my recent and startling increase in bra size, I'd say growth is not an issue. Perhaps my body is sending all of it's attention there and has forgotten about the rest of itself. I will investigate this further and do afollow-up report.
Picard out.
Dressing Rooms
Today, I went into a dressing room.They are normally a big trigger for me if they have mirrors. But today, I stood in front of the mirror, and rather than say "I don't look good in this shirt" or "I don't have the right body for this", I said "This shirt isn't good enough for me". And rather than say "Look how awful my scars look, I need to do 'clean-up', " I said "Look how well I'm healing today."
And not a drop of blood was spilled, and not a wound was opened. And even though I had a gift card to spend, not a thing was purchased. It seems that my shopping crutch is fading with my picking crutch.
And I am happy.
And not a drop of blood was spilled, and not a wound was opened. And even though I had a gift card to spend, not a thing was purchased. It seems that my shopping crutch is fading with my picking crutch.
And I am happy.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
A Free Woman
I believe I've done it. I have set up the rest of my college career to be an online one. What does this mean? It means I'm a free woman. It means I can freely move to just about anywhere I please for the rest of my college days and find that special place that makes me feel in my bones like I belong there. I can pursue paths I've been restricted from. And make my life more into what I desire. And I have a feeling that positive changes in location and lifestyle will result in positive feelings and thoughts...which we all know can play a huge part in the well-being of our skin sometimes. Now if I can just weave the rest of my straws into the basket I'm trying to make for my future...
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Shame is a Good Sign
I'm happy, because though I still mess up sometimes, it takes a lot less picking and a lot less blood to irritate me to the point of stopping. The shame comes after just one or two wounds, rather than after they have all been disturbed. I'm doing less damage, if I damage at all. And I feel proud of my progress.
Peace.
Peace.
Hour of Weakness
I am devastated and horrified at the things I have done to myself. I am ashamed. I am heartbroken. And in this hour of weakness, I know that I can't go on living this way. This has to stop.
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