The Honey-Nut Cheerio Life

I don't normally make resolutions for the new year, but with a new school year (for me), a new month, new health insurance, a new major for college (very soon), and a new year all starting at the same time, something inside me feels like writing down all of my goals for a better life. And I think they are good goals for others to think about as well:

I Endeavor To:


Pick myself up out of this rut of depression, and remember how to be myself.


Leave the past behind, and those who belong with it.


Continue on my journey to healthy skin (and the healthy mind that goes with it).


Go for more meditative walks like I used to.


Keep my grades high.


Continue to make my business grow.


Make my creativity and zest for life flourish again.


Have a healthy relationship (if anyone happens to come along).


Cast anyone out of my life who treats me poorly, refuses to stop hurting me, puts me down rather than uplifting me, or proves themselves unworthy of a position in my life.


Reward those who have been there for me and supported me with all of the kindness and love I have to offer.

Live a Honey-Nut Cheerio kind of life: Be happy, be healthy.

 (I actually don't like Cheerios that much. I just wanted to steal their slogan for my post. Oatmeal with honey is much better for you. Just sayin'.)

*****

With the help of the internet and my own thoughts/experiences, I've created a list of things I think contribute to a happy and healthy life:

Get enough sleep: It helps keep you healthy and in a pleasant mood. 8-10 hours is the normal range.
I recommend going all-out with your bedtime routine to ensure good sleep. Make sure your bed is the right firmness and your room has a slightly cooler temperature so that you're just right when you snuggle up under your blankets.Maybe have a beverage by your bedside- cool water or warm tea. Make sure your sleep environment's noise level is to your liking. I like sleeping with a box fan in my room the best, because the sound and air-flow help lull me to sleep. Hop in bed an hour or half hour before you actually need to sleep, as it will help relax you and ease you into slumber. Maybe wind down by reading a book or listening to soft music.


Eat healthy: I've personally experienced that healthier foods lead me to be more energetic. Having more natural foods and less processed ones will also help you avoid stomachaches and digestion problems, which can also effect the mood.






Drink lots of water: I'm sure any of my fellow Derma friends know that drinking lots of water is good for both keeping clear skin and helping heal your skin as well. It also helps with digestion and proper function of organs and body systems. You are, after all, over 50% water (the true percentage is debatable), so keeping hydrated is important.






Exercise: Physical activity helps to keep you feeling strong and happy, especially when done regularly. My personal favorite form of exercise it to go for brisk walks on the scenic roads out on the country near my parents' house. I bring a bottle of water and my headphones, and enjoy the view of the mountains and orchards.

Treat yourself: Treat yourself the way you would want a significant other to treat you. Compliment yourself, do things for yourself, buy yourself flowers once in a while. Allow yourself a guilty pleasure like Doritos once a week (Cool Ranch flavored are the best). Take some "me time" to paint, or draw, or dance. Take a long, hot bath with bubbles. Meditate. Go for a scenic drive. Treat yourself to that nice new shirt you saw in the store window. Buy yourself a ticket to the Moody Blues concert (I went to their Timeless Flight concert in Denver. Best $60 I ever spent). Give yourself something to look forward to- a gift from you, to you.





Have true friends:  Spend some time with/ on the phone with a friend or two once in a while. But be sure they are good, supportive, and true friends, and be sure that you are good to them as well. Backstabbers will only cause you stress. Make sure that they respect your personal space, life choices, and romantic relationships and never try to interfere with them unless it's a matter of your health and well-being.





Smile and laugh: Do your best to be optimistic. Even if you're not happy, smiling has been proven to boost your mood anyhow. Watch a funny show, or look at funny pictures...anything to boost your mood.

Practice your hobbies: Not only will the fruits of your labor boost your mood, but creativity is a healthy way of coping with stress.


Help others: It will make everyone involved feel more positive, and boost your sense of belonging and the sense that you are needed and appreciated by others.


Avoid negative people: If a friend ifs going through a hard time and being negative, be there for them. When I say avoid negative people, it's more in the sense of avoiding people who are going to poison your life with bad habits, poor attitudes and behaviors, and unhealthy choices. If your friend is constantly criticizing you over your job, or appearance, that's a good person to avoid. If you have a friend that takes part in unhealthy activities like cheating on a spouse or breaking into cars, or constantly lying to others, keep them at an arm's length. The people you keep around you WILL rub off on you one way or another. Are the people you have around ones you want to be like? If not, they may end up swaying you in a direction you didn't want to go in. You may get caught up in their drama too. In fact, a somewhat distant but innocent friend of mine recently ended up in jail for five months for being an accomplice for a theft her friends pressured her into helping them with.




Remember the important things: Remember that life is not about numbers. It's not about how many girls you've gotten to sleep with you, or how many parties you've been to, or how many shots you can take in front of your college friends. Remember that popularity isn't important. Remember that sometimes you have to let a friend or two go to get your life in order and be with those who truly matter. Remember that words can hurt. Remember that what's inside and loving others is most important.


Keep your stress low: Take deep breaths, do yoga, meditate, read, write, listen to music, practice your hobbies. Take a moment to stop and enjoy the simple things like the sky and the stars. And when practicing your hobbies, remember that it's not about being the best, but rather about enjoying yourself. You may love to sing, but be a terrible singer, but if it's what you love, keep on going.





Be confident: Keep your self-esteem high by taking pride in your appearance and heart. Embrace yourself for who you are and what you look like, and know that it's not up to anyone else or their opinions to change that. Stick to your guns and go with your gut.


Reach for your goals and dreams: Anyone who is successful once had a time of failure.Keep your sights set on realistic goals and dreams, but know that they take work sometimes. You can't expect something from nothing.




Stay organized and on top: I don't know about you, but procrastination stresses me out. Doing things in a steady and timely fashion and keeping your workspace neat and tidy helps keeps things flowing smoothly. Feeling in control and on top of those things we are able to helps us feel a little bit better sometimes about the other factors that maybe we can't control.


Spend time in nature and get fresh air: The mountains aren't there just to be looked at. Grass doesn't exist to be mowed. Fresh air and sunshine benefit both your mood and your physical health, so get out there!

Stay true to yourself: "Never change yourself for anyone and anything. Always stay true to your beliefs. Always have your dignity. Avoid having regrets. Always be the best that you can be. Also, surround yourself with the people and things that you love."


Let music and words inspire you:Sometimes I find it helpful when dealing with a stressful situation if I can find music or a poem that makes me feel understood. Empathy is a big thing for me. Quotes and words can also be uplifting or inspire you to think differently in ways that could change your life for the better, so keep an open mind and heart.






Forget superficiality and falseness: "It doesn't do anyone any favors. Better to be hated than loved for what your not."


Love your life and make it your own: Take life and make it what you want, but understand that not everything is under your control. Know that you don't know all the answers...and that you don't have to know all the answers either! Explore, dream, discover. Be smart enough to hold on to the good and be brave enough to let go when need be. Find and create yourself. Take risks. Follow your gut. Love yourself. If you are doing your best, let that be enough. Stay strong. Give your all. Know you are beautiful/handsome. Know you are worth it. Get what you deserve and work for what you want.


Be happy, be healthy! Happy New Year!



http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Healthy-and-Happy

The Big Picture

Sticks and Stones part II: Positivity

A while back I made a list of some things people had said to me that had hurt me and effected me. And I mentioned in the post that I planned to follow up a post on the positive things people had said to me that really uplifted me and stayed in my mind. Never underestimate the power of kind and honest words- either towards others, or from others. The following are words that have really lifted my spirits at some point in my life, and potentially yours too:

"You are important"

"You have beautiful skin"

"I love your hugs"

"You have a beautiful smile"

"I hope your heart starts to feel it's best again soon"

"I love your writing"

"You have a beautiful voice"

 

"You are going to go far"

"You don’t dress a pretty girl in rags; take good care of yourself"

"I’m sorry"

"I love you"

"I’m amazed at how well you bounce back"

"You’re a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders"

"You're not another notch on my belt- you're a notch on my heart"

 

My then boyfriend pulls my hair back from my bleeding face and says: "Look at you, look how beautiful you are. You don't need to pick."

"Wow, was that really you singing?"

"You have good taste in music"

"I can tell you’re beautiful on the inside too"

The words that flatter me and lift me up are the ones that let me know I'm headed toward something I aspire to. I want to be a strong, beautiful, happy woman who bounces back from turmoil. I want to be a good singer and an inspiring writer. I want to be loved, and I want people to be sorry when they hurt me. I want to be important and valued. As I'm sure we all do.

What do you aspire to be? To do? Do the people in your life ever remind you that you are on the right path? Do they support you? If not, perhaps it's time to surround yourself with new people who will be uplifting and supportive in your life. Maybe I need to surround myself with more of the people whose words are on this list again. And maybe I need to tell others that they are simply welcome to be a part of my life when they can be a more positive part of it. I personally find that the more positivity I feel in my life, the less picking happens...most of the time.

21 Birthday Wishes

21 is almost here. That's not very old, I suppose, but sometimes I feel severely aged and cynical. I've had some wisdom and some knowledge thrust upon me in the past few years that I wish had come easier. But there's no sense in wishing to change the past, only to mend the future before it comes.

And so, for my birthday, I wish:


1. Both to have my hair back and to leave this painful phase behind, that I might feel like ME again and restore the parts of me that have been missing for about 3 years now- ability to trust, superb self-confidence, full-comprehension of my self worth, carefree joy in my heart.


2. I wish to remember to see the silver lining before I ever even notice there's a cloud.

3. I wish for those in my life to restore their minds and bodies to health.


4. I wish for love, and not to feel so lonely, whatever form the solution may come in.


5. I wish to regain my footing and I wish to become better at forgiving.


6. I wish for the certainty of a happy future.

7. I wish for the world to wise-up and take care of business before we all blow each other up over something stupid.

8. I wish to be out of debt, and be in a financial position to help others instead.


9. I wish for peace and solitude from judgement while I heal.

10. I wish for good health as a result of me taking care of myself the way I should.


11. I wish for healthy skin and healing hands.


12. I wish to meet my future life partner soon so I don't have to miss out on any more of their life than I already have, and that I might watch them grow.

13. I wish for my family to look past the word "atheist" and just see ME again.


14. I wish for my creativity to flourish.


15. I wish for my business to prosper.


16. I wish to come to terms with the heartache, and walk away with only the lessons from what I've experienced in the past 3-4 years.



17. I wish for YOU to find healing.


18. I wish for total peace and to feel purpose.


19. I wish to be able to see myself from the perspective of my greatest admirer.

20. I wish for what I deserve, whatever that may be.



21. I wish for all of my wishes to be applied to anyone else who needs them.

Venting on a Difficult Night

I'm really feeling this song lately...and the lyrics made me cry, so I hope you'll read them (I've attached the link to them below):

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858747139/

You're reading/listening because I'm writing rather than picking.

Sometimes I feel dead inside. And so, so alone. For most of 2013, I've felt like I've been starving for love and acceptance. So much of what I was taught and so much of what I've hoped for has turned out to be an illusion and a fantasy that can never be made reality. In the real world, people betray you. They leave when they say they'll stay, or overstay their welcome. They're selfish enough to think that they have all the answers, and that if you don't agree with them, not only are you less of a person, but you're one who will be punished. People have skeletons in their closet. Life is not all it's cracked up to be. New York is just another dirty, smelly city full of  bored people wishing for bigger and better things once you see past the flashing lights. Golden beaches with vacation houses don't make everything else into paradise. Darkness can exist there too. People lie. People use you, no matter how much you try to stay out of trouble. People bring destruction into your life and leave you to clean up the mess. They have two faces. They come with a fleet of bedbugs. They weave the strands of their own agenda around you and trap you inside a cocoon until you've changed for the worse. I feel hopeless tonight. Not because I have issues, but because I see issues. Too many for me to solve. I'm having a difficult time finding something to look forward to when so much is fucked up. Sometimes it's hard to see the silver lining when the silver is tarnished and there's a blanket of fog blurring your vision.

How did I get here? Feeling like I've been run over by a hundred-car train. Am I being punished? I was a good baptist girl. God smiled down on me because I was pure, and innocent, and had good intentions. And then devastation came. I always knew Santa wasn't real, and didn't understand why so many children were torn to pieces when they learned "Santa" was just their parents trying to get them to be good with the promise of gifts....Until I learned the same thing about God; he was just my parents' way of trying to get me to be good with the promise of pearl gates and golden streets. What a shame that I don't care for pearls, and I much prefer bronze. To them, it's dirty like me. Even though I'm still that innocent girl with good intentions, I'm a booze chugging, weed-smoking whore who wears her clothes way too tight. Because a worldly size 3 needs to be hidden in shame beneath size 7 jeans. Because having people in my life who choose to use substances automatically makes me a user and abuser too.

I'm tired of this.

I have to get out of here.

Love me for what I am and who I am.

Or walk away and never come back.

Triggers and Bullets

Sometimes it's hard for others to understand us and what triggers us. For us, every trigger has a bullet that follows. It burrows into our brains. It gets thoughts going. And maybe if people understood what we were thinking, they would accept us more, and support our healing a little more efficiently. If you're reading this as a sufferer, I hope you feel understood. If you're reading this as an "outsider", I hope you feel like you understand us better.

Here are a few triggers for Dermatillomaniacs and my interpretation of what goes through their/our heads.

Trigger #1: The Media's Idea of Beautiful Skin.



 

The Bullet: Yes, we know that this level of skin perfection is not real. We know that it's a deception. We know all about airbrushing and makeup and Photoshop. But seeing this "perfection" makes us feel dirty and insufficient, because not only does society idolize this level of perfection, but so do we in a different way. We know in the back of our minds that if we looked this way instead of the way we do, things might be better for us. People wouldn't look at us in disgust or think we were drug addicts. Loved ones wouldn't be so hard on us or worried because they don't understand why we can't just "leave our skin alone". Perhaps a spouse or significant other would still be there for us...perhaps they wouldn't have left for someone whose skin looks more like this. Perhaps they couldn't handle watching us destroy ourselves. Maybe we would know that who we are on the inside was enough for them, because our "not-so-perfect" skin and the fact that we caused it wouldn't have scared them away. If we all had perfect skin, the average Joe wouldn't look at us and think we were crazy. And seeing perfect skin flaunted in front of us can bring up any, all, and more of those types of feelings.





Trigger #2: Mirrors

The Bullet: In the same way seeing airbrushed skin makes us feel dirty, our own reflection shows us that we are "dirty" (whatever that means to us). Sometimes we see it worse than it is and find flaws where there aren't any. Sometimes we shut out the damage we've caused ourselves. But if you're anything like me, visual input is one of the best ways to make something sink in for me. So when I see how "un-perfect" my face is, it causes me that same stress of knowing people look at me in disgust, knowing loved ones see it and worry, and knowing it's the cause of some people not wanting to be close to me. And sadly, if it's a bad day, we might agree that we are unworthy, even if it's not true.

Trigger #3: Feeling Our Skin

The Bullet: The average person can brush their hands over their skin without a second thought. And I hope to heal so much one day that I can do the same. But for most of us at some point, feeling anything less than silk is agitating. Again, we feel dirty and less than perfect. And it would take more than one blog post to explain why. And the reason why could be a little bit different for each sufferer. But we don't like it any more than you like it. So go easy on us.

Trigger #4: Feeling Belittled For Our Skin

The Bullet: Sometimes people don't realize the impact of their words. When a woman approaches you in the mall and recommends a product that "will clear that skin problem right up" . When a man behind you in the grocery line tells you that if you ate healthier, your skin wouldn't look like it did. When the kids you're babysitting see an old picture of you and say "wow, you used to have a lot less pimples". When you're told your skin is a turn off. No one is ever really taught that blemishes, bumps, marks, and pimples are acceptable and natural. The majority of products out there are to improve appearance and enhance beauty. And though the pressure to look good is felt by just about everyone, and though it's not the sole problem behind our quest to feel clean and beautiful, imagine the average person's feelings of inadequacy...and multiply them by the amount of blemishes on the skin of a Dermatillomaniac on any given day...and you'll understand a fraction of how they feel.


Trigger #5: Inner Turmoil

The Bullet: Everyone handles their demons differently. Some turn to food. Some to starvation. Some to drugs. We turn to ourselves. And it's not a simple matter of self-destruction. An alcoholic doesn't drink because they want to kill themselves any more than we pick because we want to hurt ourselves (though some with Derma also have those feelings if other issues are going on inside). Somehow, this makes us feel better....temporarily. But it's a vicious circle as most are. Please understand that this is our predisposition. I don't think I know a single sufferer who started out by saying "gee, I think I'm gonna scratch the shit out of myself to the point of bleeding". As shocked as you are by us, we feel just as unhappy about it.



Wouldn't it be nice....

Wouldn't it be nice if we could make our minds bullet-proof? If we could train our brains to ignore the triggers? If we could look at the skin in the magazine ads and simply say "that's not real, I am"? If we could look in the mirror and do nothing but meet our own eyes and feel satisfied? If we could feel mountain ranges on our skin and know it's just another beautiful part of who we are? If we could see that we don't need to destroy, but rather, build ourselves up on the inside? Maybe one day soon....

Apply This to Loving Yourself

Apply This to Loving Yourself

What Clear Skin Feels Like

I wish everyone could feel what I'm feeling right now. The pride, the satisfaction, the bubbling over with excitement at something as simple as being able to look in the mirror and have the first thing that jumps out at me be the sparkle of joy in my eyes rather than wounds I know I put there myself. If I could give everyone in the world a gift, it would be this feeling. The feeling of conquering. The feeling of Sisyphus being able to let go of his stone for a while. The feeling of snow blanketing and soothing a war-torn valley.

   

I almost can't believe my eyes when I look in the mirror. My skin hasn't looked this beautiful to me or felt this beautiful in quite some time. I am winning the battle. My frequent trips to the mirror the past few days have been to admire what I've accomplished rather than destroy what's already broken. I walk around and don't feel ashamed of what I've done to myself, because what I've done is let myself heal. My smile feels a little brighter, my heart much happier. Because I know I'm taking good care of myself. It's not just about looking better outside. I feel this coolness in my blood, and a peace in my skin, if that makes any sense at all. It reminds me of how it felt when the doctors gave me morphine before I had to have my appendix out. I went from a sharp, hot, burning pain, to what felt like the perfect zephyr flowing through my body. But no words do it justice, so I've included pictures below, and want you to imagine how your body would feel if you were the person inside any of these pictures:

  

  

Does that make any sense at all? I feel like I'm dressed in wind and floating.

Yes, there may be slip-ups to come. Yes, there are still scars. I will always have evidence that I hurt myself, even when I get better for good. But it's just a reminder that I can conquer, and that fought and won.

I'm healing!

I Glow

I've been doing well with my skin lately.

Extremely well.

I'm healing up quite well despite inner turmoils.

And I'm excited.

With each blemish that begins to fade, I feel like I'm remembering a little more who I am normally underneath the pain and confusion.

It's ineffable.

And I will not forget this feeling.

Because I know If I hold on to it, it will help sweep me upward and out of this.

I feel like a helium balloon on the rise.

I will soon be untouchable.

Touch.

When I touch my face, I touch it with kindness.

When I brush my fingers over wounds, I'm beginning to think more about how much longer until they heal on their own, rather than thinking about ripping them open.

I know rough days are yet to come when I will feel like I need to intervene,

but in the meantime, I'm appreciating how I feel presently.

I glow.

 

Fuck This

I'm done.
I'm so fucking done.
There has to be more.
There has to be a better existence.
And I'm going to go out and get it.
Fuck this.
Fuck the scratching, the embarassment, the shame.
Fuck not feeling like enough, when I'm too much and too good to have to hurt myself that way.
I'm taking pride in all that is me, and unleashing myself.
Yes I'm soft, yes I'm sweet, but I'm strong and powerful.
No one is going to mess with me anymore.
Not even me.
I have this theory, that all we hide from the outside world bottles up and destroys us eventually.
And if so, I'm a glass bottle, and I'm cracking from the pressure.
If you have nothing positive to add to my life, stay out of it.
If you can't stop hurting me, you'd better learn in a hurry.
I won't tear myself apart because of how others have treated me.
THEY are the ones that deserve my fingernails across their ugly faces.
But I won't hurt them.
That's Karma's job.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am human.
But I'm also happy.
Because the sun is setting on the worst days of my life.
And the moon is rising to reveal a cool and cleansing night.
And in that night is the face and the spirit of the woman I'm about to become...who is very similar to the girl I was before anything hurt me.
I'm about to renew myself.