Meditation. I’ve tried going about it in many different
ways, always feeling like I wasted my time. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been so
inconsistent with it and so hesitant to try any more. I’ve tried
meditative-hypnosis CDs, I’ve tried music that was supposed to be specifically for
meditation, and I’ve tried guided meditation tracks. But all of them left me
feeling that meditation was useless. I
honestly figured maybe meditation didn’t work for me. But then I got to
thinking and realized that I often try things with expectations, and give up after the first time if those expectations aren't fulfilled. There have been two instances I can recall where I
felt like meditation worked for me in a small way- Once when I did a trial yoga class, and
once in a counseling session.
Analyzing those instances, I realized that there was no music involved, no pressure to focus and listen to the words in a guided meditation track, and it was in an atmosphere where everyone in the room was participating. It was a simple thing. Yet when I do it on my own, I have so many expectations and pressures influencing me that if I only do it the “right way” or “deep enough”, all of my demons will suddenly flee from me. One of my friends often lectures me in that very manner. On the one hand, the need for meditation and the effectiveness of it may be true. On the other hand, the way it is presented reminds me of the way my parents’ faith worked- in that if you only pray hard enough or have enough faith, things would be better for you. Perhaps that’s another reason why I’ve hesitated. The last time I was told that if I simply did something hard enough or well enough, I wouldn’t have so many troubles, I was sorely let down. That was praying. And each time I have meditated and found my troubles still waiting for me when I opened my eyes or the guided track ended, I have found the same sore disappointment and bitterness toward those who tell me I’m just “not doing it hard enough”.
But at the same time, upon realizing that it is my approach to it and my very attitude and expectations that may be hindering me from seeing whether or not it truly works, I’m willing to give it another go-round. No expectations, no CDs telling me what to think and do for me to rely on. Deep thinking. Deep breathing. A deep look inside.
Analyzing those instances, I realized that there was no music involved, no pressure to focus and listen to the words in a guided meditation track, and it was in an atmosphere where everyone in the room was participating. It was a simple thing. Yet when I do it on my own, I have so many expectations and pressures influencing me that if I only do it the “right way” or “deep enough”, all of my demons will suddenly flee from me. One of my friends often lectures me in that very manner. On the one hand, the need for meditation and the effectiveness of it may be true. On the other hand, the way it is presented reminds me of the way my parents’ faith worked- in that if you only pray hard enough or have enough faith, things would be better for you. Perhaps that’s another reason why I’ve hesitated. The last time I was told that if I simply did something hard enough or well enough, I wouldn’t have so many troubles, I was sorely let down. That was praying. And each time I have meditated and found my troubles still waiting for me when I opened my eyes or the guided track ended, I have found the same sore disappointment and bitterness toward those who tell me I’m just “not doing it hard enough”.
But at the same time, upon realizing that it is my approach to it and my very attitude and expectations that may be hindering me from seeing whether or not it truly works, I’m willing to give it another go-round. No expectations, no CDs telling me what to think and do for me to rely on. Deep thinking. Deep breathing. A deep look inside.
So I did that yesterday afternoon.
I took a deep look.
Very deep.
And I’ve realized that I’m in a very frightening spot, yet
have so much potential for change and healing.
I have hit rock bottom. And I can only go up from here.
Not only did I find that I don’t feel like I’m truly getting
better despite some progress the past few days, but I found that deep down,
half the time, I don’t want to get better…or worse. I don’t want to “get”
anything. I found that what I truly wished for was to not have to “get” or “be”
or “feel” anything. I am unhappy with my very existence, and have been for some
time. School and relationships served as distractions that held me over and kept me happily occupied, but now that I’ve found
myself single and out of school, there’s not much to keep me distracted. I have
various hobbies that have always served me well and made me feel confident
about myself. But not even those have been able to bring me joy for a long
time. A very long time. I haven’t written anything significant in over two
years. I haven’t made jewelry in around 6 months. Even my favorite music is
growing dull and drowning in how jaded and cynical I’ve become deep within
lately.
Let me make myself clear. I have no intentions of stepping
in front of the next car I see or finding the nearest noose. I am not violent
toward myself despite the scars on my skin. I simply wish to go to sleep for a
thousand years so I can wake up and feel “clean” in a sense. Something I’ve
been told is a sign of depression that meditation may help with.
In some ways, perhaps this urge to “sleep” doesn’t have much
to do with me scratching my skin. In other ways, it has everything to do with
it. You can decide. But I personally think these feelings contribute to why I’m
an enemy to my own body. I am uncomfortable. I have things to resolve that
perhaps cannot be resolved…that I will have to accept maybe can’t be resolved.
And while I go through this process, I know I will be finding out who my real
friends and loved ones are. Those who turn their back on me will find
themselves a part of my history, but not my future. I have hard decisions to
make, and there are so many that I have felt unable to choose only one to work on. I feel overwhelmed to the point that I want
to slam my head against a pillow and leave the cloud of my troubles to
dissipate while I slumber.
And then I have other moments where I glow with the life
running through my veins.
It’s awfully confusing. Half the time I want to shut down
and not exist. The other half of the time, I feel like there are still so many
things I need to do and experience before I don’t exist anymore.
I used to shut the feelings out and deny them. But then I
realized that not one single human being on this planet has probably lived
without feeling this way at some point. No one has spent every day of their
life thinking how perfect things are and how they would never want to leave
this planet.
I am no different.
I don’t believe these feelings are any cause for panic. I’m
just willing to acknowledge that they are there, and that maybe it’s not such a
good thing. I believe it is a mere phase that will pass in time. I just need to let it run its course while I make
arrangements to move on from it. I need to develop a more consistent sense of personal
identity and find where I feel like I belong. Sometimes I have a very strong
sense of my personal identity. I know who I am and what I like and stand for,
and I know what I want in my future. And then there are times when all of these
things become so blurred that it’s as though I’ve forgotten who the hell I even
am. I go into a mode where I feel like a blank slate. I will conform. I don’t
care. I have little opinion. Whatever you want, I will go along with. I’m not
sure where that comes from, but part of me wonders if it has to do with
upbringing. There’s no need for details, really, but I suppose I will just say
that self-expression was something I didn’t feel was always an option for me. Now that
I’m an "adult" and I reign over my own kingdom, I still find myself struggling with it. I find
myself bottling things up and letting them out in fitful explosions. It's something
I need to work on. These explosions may be verbal, but often times, they can be
explosions toward myself in which picking occurs.
Perhaps a list is in order for my sake. And one day I will
have all of these things dealt with and crossed out.
Things that are fucking with my mind:
- Various parts of strict religious upbringing- sexism, fear, high expectations. (These are too vast to name, but certainly VERY important despite only taking up one of my bullet points).
- Being raised with fairytale expectations and often having the truth hidden from me- now as I enter the real world, when bad things happen, I’m knocked flat and stunned. I have an inability to cope with it properly.
- Skin picking
- Long distance relationship drama
- Alcoholism in a loved-one (and all of the painful things that may come with it)
- Uncertainty with what’s happening and what will happen with my relationship
- The effects of codependency because of the alcoholism
- Things like depression and anxiety running rampant in my family tree
- Backstabbers I thought were my friends
- People trying to control my responses and emotions in regards to all of these things.
- Having been cheated on, both physically and emotionally, in the past.
- Verbal and mental abuse from various people.
I’m sure more will come to my mind later. But these are
things that cause me fear, discomfort, sadness, anxiety, etc.
·
I have worked on all of them to an extent. But
I’m spreading myself too thin and need to tackle one at a time. Either
way, I have done some things I am very proud of in response to them:
- I have tried to maintain contact and love with family members
- I have tried to be strong and patient with others
- I have tried to forgive
- I have done my best not to lash out
- I have tried to keep an open mind about the world.
- I have been to the doctor
- I have been to counseling
- I have at least tried
- I am actively seeking help and health
- I started this blog
I have also done things I’m not so proud of in response:
o
Let it contribute to my picking
o
Fought with family members
o
Let fear get in the way of relationships with
others
o
Let people run over me
o
Tried to be too strong for too long and hurt
myself by doing it
o
Bottled it up
o
Tried to handle the pain in ways that were
destructive to myself.
o
Stuck around when I should have run.
Here’s what I feel needs to be done about these issues:
- Practicing meditation And embracing select concepts found in the serenity prayer:
“Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, the world as it is, not as I would have it.”
--Reinhold Niebuhr
- Peacefully confront those who are hurting me or have hurt me
- Rid of those who continue to be a poison to my heart, life, and mind after this confrontation.
- Forgive people for the things they did, knowing that they did not mean to hurt me.
- Leaving them as a part of my past and not of my future if they did mean to hurt me and show now sorrow over it.
- Clear my mind and open it.
- Release the poisonous emotions I’ve been holding inside and accept the pain so I can let it go.
- Practice the realization that trying to “clean” my skin and rid of the “poison” I perceive my wounds as is not the answer.
- Not be afraid of spirituality, realizing that the way I was taught to view it is not the way it has to be for me.
- Look at my wounds, with the realization that I don’t need to bother them to feel better; that there are other ways.
- Practice loving myself.
- Do the things I love, and love the things I do.
- Knowing that the actions of others say more about themselves than they do about me.
I have a quote that I like, but don’t always follow:
Don’t let your struggle become your identity.
My struggle has become too much of my identity.
BUT.
I am going to be okay.
Everything I seek is within my reach and within my power to
heal from.
I will find my way.
I do not need sympathy.
But I would like empathy.
All I need is some
encouragement.
Do not worry about me.
Do not think I’m incapable of loving, feeling happiness, or being a support to others
in the meantime.
Do not think I need constant help, but do not think I need
to be left entirely alone.
I have been strong, and I will continue to be strong.
I will heal.
"Three Minute Breathing Space" for Meditation:
"Three Minute Breathing Space" for Meditation:
I received a copy of this from the counseling center on my campus, and found it useful. I'm sure if practiced more regularly, I will find it's even more useful. I often try once and give up.
I will likely post this exercise alone in another post for those who don't want to scroll down every time they want to see it.
Peace.
http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/181/7/8/tribal_peace_sign_by_wearwolfclothing-d55fbh2.png
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