My Helpers and Healers

In my last post, I made a list of things I used against myself. And I honestly got to feeling pretty down, thinking of all the “poor” responses I have to my urges. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized that for every bad response I had, I also had a good one. I do try to take care of my skin. I really do. In the mind of the compulsion-driven girl residing in my brain (I should really give her a name one of these days), obsessing over trying to “remove” my wounds is a way of taking care of myself. It’s a simple step in her daily grooming process. Then there is the healthy side of me who takes back control for a moment after she’s done her work. I clean up after her mess. I cleanse, I soothe, and I protect my skin in my own version of grooming. These are healthier responses. And when I do this, I try to keep it simple and natural. Because though I hurt myself greatly due to my nature, I also want to use nature to help myself greatly.

Tools I use to help myself:

FOR CLEANSING: 

#1Tea Tree oil:

I love the smell and tingle of tea tree oil. It leaves my wounds feeling less inflamed, and it doesn’t sting or burn the way peroxide can if the wound is deep enough.

#2 Peroxide:

Watching peroxide bubble and turn white on my wounds gives me a positive feeling because I feel like I’m watching it work and watching the damage I’ve done be somewhat “undone”, if that makes any sense.

#3 Warm Baths/Showers:

Warm water is a definite comfort for me, whether I’m sick or just upset. A shower helps soften my sores, which makes “giving in” less damaging and painful because the soft scabs come off easier and I don’t bleed so much. Additionally, the water makes me feel like they are clean. And if there’s one thing I can tell you about having the problem that I have, it’s that most of the behavior is based on the need to feel “clean”, at least for me. I think that’s one main fact that I often don’t know how to communicate effectively.

FOR SOOTHING:

#1 Coconut oil

A friend of mine in Colorado introduced me to the wonders of coconut oil. I use it for my hair, my skin, and even in my cooking on occasion. It smells wonderful, it absorbs rather nicely, and most of all, it’s natural. I like knowing what’s in the products I’m using or eating, because despite how it may look to other people, I really do care about my body.

#2 Vaseline

Though Vaseline is a little less “natural” than coconut oil, and I don’t like the feeling on my skin as much, it’s a cheaper alternative my grandmother introduced me to that I’ve been using for many purposes for as long as I can remember. On occasion, I find some that smells like cocoa butter, which makes a great replacement for coconut oil scent-wise. It has a heavier feeling to it that coconut oil, and acts as more of a barrier, which I do appreciate depending on the wound.

#3 Medicated Ointments

If a wound is deep enough or I make it bad enough, I like to use medicated ointments. I don’t see them in action, but I like to think that they are helping clean and heal me more than a simple blob of Vaseline would. Again, most of it is about feeling.

FOR PROTECTING:

#1 Band-Aids (though, to make matters worse, the ones in the picture have actually been irritating my skin and leaving red rashes).

The more I keep my wounds covered, the less I bother them over all. In fact, a bandage itself gives me something different to “pick” at sometimes, though I don’t catch myself doing that often.

#2 Long sleeves and tight clothing

The more my “trouble spots” are covered, and the more the article of clothing conforms to my body, the less I find myself picking. I don’t see it, I don’t feel it when I run my hands up and down my arms, and it’s harder to get to when I do have the urge. It makes picking less practical, less convenient, and more of a chore.

THE ULTIMATE HELP:

I mentioned in my last post that I used my hands as a weapon against myself. I was quick to condemn them for wielding simple objects for harm. Likewise, they wield all of the aforementioned items to help. Though the decision to do so lies in my brain, I like to focus on my hands and what they are doing specifically, because that’s where the physical action lies. My mind thinks, but my hands do- both good and bad things. I think perhaps my next post will focus on other good things I can do with my hands. Not in the sense that if I simply did other things, the picking would stop, but more in the sense of offering myself some encouragement and reinforcement that I’m not simply “bad” and “damaging” to my world- that I have much to offer in the way of constructive activities with my hands, not just destructive.

My hands will heal.