I was cleaning out my computer last week, only to discover a treasure trove of videos. Of me...of My Alcoholic...of our interactions...of things I documented to try and prove a point...only I forgot to show them to him somehow. Among them was a 40 minute video- a message I made for him (back in mid-April when we were still together). Of how his drinking made me feel and about everything I was thinking. I've edited it down to the most important and relevant parts- the parts that perhaps anyone with an alcoholic loved one can relate to. And I share this with you because getting everything out in the open is helping me heal. Sharing the cause of so much heartache and the words and feelings that have come from it gives me a sense of freedom, as I'm no longer protecting this person or hiding the truth of how they've effected me, yet refraining from slander or public humiliation by withholding their identity as anything else but a suffering person who has a problem. I hope that anyone in my position who happens to watch this will feel understood and supported.
TO MY ALCOHOLIC:
I have yet to show this to him, but will show him the extended version soon along with the footage of him and his behavior. I don't expect this to suddenly make him stop being an alcoholic. I don't expect this to make him love me more or tell me how wrong he was. I simply hope that the images of nights he does not recall will stay with him and remind him of what he wants for himself, that he may continue on his journey to health with the extra knowledge and potential extra motivation. I don't want him to change for me. I want him to change for his future. I want to be the last person in his life to ever have to say these kinds of things. It's not about turning him into the man I want him to be. It's about him being the kind of significant other, family member, and friend, that HE seems to want to be. And reality and truth can only help both of us.
This is out of my control, but I can still offer my honesty.
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