How Did I Get Here and How Do I Get Out of Here?

I am recovering from the effects of alcohol, yet have never had more than one watered-down drink in my life. It's rather ironic. But loving an alcoholic has done damage to my mind. I blame him not. He is ill. And I have to understand that all I can do it heal myself, and realize that I am powerless to heal him. Along with the hurtful words and unwanted feelings of pain, I accidentally swept many other things under the rug- my sense of self, part of my independence, my ability to trust, my ability to be in the moment and not worry about the future...so many things. But I'm getting them back little by little. They were only a temporary loss. It's as though when things started to go wrong, they went into hiding. I became a sponge. A puppet. My scratching was likely the only unique thing about me. But as I learn that it all basically comes with the territory of being a codependent, I realize I am being too hard on myself. I am ill too. That spineless girl is not me. I am simply going through a hard time and am not well. I'm starting to reflect, which indicates to me that I'm headed in some sort of direction toward healing, change, and recovery.

When did I lose sense of what acceptable boundaries are?
I think it was the first time something happened and I tried to force a solution by simply accepting the behavior.

When did I begin to think that love meant self-sacrifice?
I think it was watching my mother make sacrifices for my father, myself, and my five siblings.

When did I start making excuses for other people and stop taking care of myself as much?
I think it was the moment I realized I loved another person so much that I didn't want anyone else to think or say anything negative about them. So I protected them.

When did I decide that his healing and well-being were more important than mine, that I should place him first? When did I get it in my head that that is what being a good mate meant?
I think it's simply in my nature to put the health of others as a high priority. To the point that I forget I have my own to consider.

When did I take selflessness and twist it into a morbid relative to itself? An unhealthy cousin.
I think it was the moment I grew afraid of losing him to alcohol and began trying to play tug-o-war: He was the rope, and alcoholism and I were each trying to pull him toward us; me toward the safety of health and alcoholism toward the chains and bondage. I tried to fight a battle that wasn't mine because I was afraid he wasn't strong enough to win himself.

Did I really just want that bad for him to get better that I placed myself on the back burner?
Yes. Yes I did. And it would still make my heart soar to see him healthy one day, no matter how I've been hurt by him.

But I believe that it would make his heart just as happy to see me healthy too. My codependency and picking have become so intertwined- a macrame noose.I am hanging myself the longer I let this all continue.

And still I argue that I should be patient and show nothing but love. Still I argue that he's sick and doesn't have control. And that's why I've put up with any of it. But at least I know now that none of it's my fault....that zero percent of his behavior is because I did something wrong or wasn't good enough. And for putting up with mistreatment, I say shame on me. But gentle shame. I did what I thought was right. I tried to be selfless. I tried to help.

Now I know better.

The one I love is a sinking ship. And I cannot swim. I need to jump into a lifeboat and get myself to safety. And if he's meant to be saved, he will save himself. Because I cannot. And I'm sorry. I truly am. I tried my very best. But I can't help but feel sometimes that I failed. That if I were stronger, smarter, healthier, I could have done more to help him. Turns out maybe the best way to help him is to simply help myself and let him learn to help himself.

http://mariovittone.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/drowning.jpg

But where to go from here is still to be determined.

What will heal me?
I think I should start with forgiveness as mentioned previously.
I think I should start with learning what healthy love is.

Which road will lead me in the right direction?

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I will listen to the silence, and my heart will tell me.

But for now, all I know is that I'm traveling onward.

Healing doesn't mean I have to forget about him.
It doesn't mean I need to flip him the bird and never again see his face or speak to him.
 It doesn't mean I need to go seek comfort in the arms of other men who are healthy.

I don't need to kill my love for him to get better. If anything, having that kind of powerful feeling within will aid my journey toward healing, because I feel connected  to a force greater than myself.
If I have the power within to love that hard, I have the power within to heal. Healing means I have to accept what I've been handed and embrace what I can, but understand that I have to make healthy choices to put myself in healthy situations.
 

I will heal.
He will heal.
If we allow the healing to happen, that is.
And maybe one day.....Maybe one day...
Whatever is meant to happen will happen.
I feel like there's a song for this somewhere in my arsenal...ah, yes.
Here:

SLIP AWAY by DAVID ARKENSTONE:

"The seasons change
And age our temporary souls
Chasing fate
Along it's winding road

Flames burn bright and pass into smoke
But our love
Will dance among the stars
Down the streets of gold
I am bound to you
By more than what divides us

Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Into an endless dream
Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Then you can rescue me
Close your eyes
And drift into a shining memory
I'll see you again where the sky touches the sea

And with your love
You've painted vivid colors on my heart
Your light will always illuminate my dark
I am bound to you
By more than what divides us

Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Into an endless dream
Slip away, slip away sweet lover
Then you can rescue me
Close your eyes
And drift into a shining memory
I'll see you again where the sky touches the sea

The seasons change
And age our temporary souls
Chasing fate
Along it's winding road"