Self-Love (in my humble opinion), is about accepting yourself for who you are, but working to change those traits about yourself and your life that may be poisoning your well-being. My healing is not a simple matter of habit reversal training or some outside force. I believe it is a matter of inner peace that must begin at the core of my very soul and spread out like ripples.
I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.
About forgiving others.
But mostly, about forgiving myself.
I let bad things happen.
I allowed my ex boyfriend to mistreat me and didn’t
leave.
In slightly younger years, I forced myself to follow a
religion I didn’t believe in, and feel that I should have been smarter than to
fall prey to the sexism and blatant lies I was told.
In every instance that I have trouble forgiving myself for,
my thought is “I should have been smarter”, and my excuse is “But I loved them”. But it doesn't change that I allowed people to remain in my life that harmed me, and I am responsible for it.
My parents weren’t
right to force a religion on me that told me I had fewer capabilities, rights,
and less value than men.
But I went along with it long past the time I realized it wasn’t right because I loved them , didn’t want to disappoint them, and wanted to keep the peace in the family. If I went against their religion, I would surely lose them on some level. And I have. Some of my relatives are no longer comfortable with me being around their children because I am “worldly”, and no one in the family trusts me as much.
But I went along with it long past the time I realized it wasn’t right because I loved them , didn’t want to disappoint them, and wanted to keep the peace in the family. If I went against their religion, I would surely lose them on some level. And I have. Some of my relatives are no longer comfortable with me being around their children because I am “worldly”, and no one in the family trusts me as much.
And for a long time I tried to make up for it every day by
educating myself on the other problems women faced in the world. I became
obsessed with it. I felt that to make up for putting up with it, I had to fight
every day until I had changed for other people what had taken a shot at my
self-worth.
But the more I fought, the less at peace I was. I found that
I had to let go and realize that all I could do about it was live my life as I
saw fit and help those who came my way rather than trying to change the world
with arguments and daily Facebook posts about social injustices.
And I must do the
same thing now, having recently exited a relationship where I wasn’t being
treated properly.
His actions, whether due to being drunk or not, weren’t what I deserved. And I think every day about how I stayed far beyond the point at which I should have run. And the reason is the same: I loved him, and I wanted to keep the peace, and I didn’t want to lose him. Additionally, I thought leaving meant I had to stop loving him and abandon him in a time of need. I thought it meant giving up and being weak. I thought it would make me a bad person to leave someone who was obviously ill and struggling with his alcohol issue. I would always think of The Little Red Hen. No one helped her bake the bread, so they all got snubbed in the end and missed out on the delicious result. I figured if I wanted to be a part of my boyfriend's life when he got better, I needed to help him in the present. And with a bright mind and the bit of inner child-like innocence I often sensed in him, I knew it wasn't a future I wanted to miss out on to be there when he broke free from the chains of addiction that bound him to misery and irritability. My heart told me he was a good boy and didn't mean to hurt me. As did he. Every time I got upset with him, he'd say "You know I'm trying". And I would stop and feel terrible for considering leaving when he seemed to be trying so hard. I'd never had a drink. How could I possibly understand how hard it was to quit? And when I put it into perspective by how hard it was for me to quit my picking, I felt like I had no room to judge. Sometimes I looked in his eyes when he was drunk and literally saw a little boy who looked lost and afraid and just needed someone's hand to hold while he struggled. A little boy who didn't like the situation any more than I did and was just as hurt by it. How could I leave? I had to prove my patience. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I had to prove to myself that I was strong, and that my love was real. And my love for him was very real. However, my love for myself was sacrificed. And in this time frame, most especially in the second year of our relationship, my scratching got worse. It was my coping mechanism. It was my outlet (rather than confronting him angrily) for the things he did that I thought he was working on changing and therefore couldn't be mad at him for. I thought that it wasn't as bad as his alcohol, and therefore acceptable. But I became just another person who was mistreating "Me".
I do not place blame on him for me attacking my skin more in this time frame, however.
He is not the one who put his hands to my skin and made me bleed. He caused some of the inner "bleeding" that led to the outer attack, but I could have responded differently. I know I have to take full responsibility for increased scratching being my response to his actions. I had plenty of other options. I could have left. But I cared more about him getting better and figured that as he did, I would.
But that's not how it works.
And I now find myself in the difficult spot of trying to forgive myself for every scar on my body. And stopping creating them for that matter.
Yes, my love for myself was truly sacrificed.
His actions, whether due to being drunk or not, weren’t what I deserved. And I think every day about how I stayed far beyond the point at which I should have run. And the reason is the same: I loved him, and I wanted to keep the peace, and I didn’t want to lose him. Additionally, I thought leaving meant I had to stop loving him and abandon him in a time of need. I thought it meant giving up and being weak. I thought it would make me a bad person to leave someone who was obviously ill and struggling with his alcohol issue. I would always think of The Little Red Hen. No one helped her bake the bread, so they all got snubbed in the end and missed out on the delicious result. I figured if I wanted to be a part of my boyfriend's life when he got better, I needed to help him in the present. And with a bright mind and the bit of inner child-like innocence I often sensed in him, I knew it wasn't a future I wanted to miss out on to be there when he broke free from the chains of addiction that bound him to misery and irritability. My heart told me he was a good boy and didn't mean to hurt me. As did he. Every time I got upset with him, he'd say "You know I'm trying". And I would stop and feel terrible for considering leaving when he seemed to be trying so hard. I'd never had a drink. How could I possibly understand how hard it was to quit? And when I put it into perspective by how hard it was for me to quit my picking, I felt like I had no room to judge. Sometimes I looked in his eyes when he was drunk and literally saw a little boy who looked lost and afraid and just needed someone's hand to hold while he struggled. A little boy who didn't like the situation any more than I did and was just as hurt by it. How could I leave? I had to prove my patience. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I had to prove to myself that I was strong, and that my love was real. And my love for him was very real. However, my love for myself was sacrificed. And in this time frame, most especially in the second year of our relationship, my scratching got worse. It was my coping mechanism. It was my outlet (rather than confronting him angrily) for the things he did that I thought he was working on changing and therefore couldn't be mad at him for. I thought that it wasn't as bad as his alcohol, and therefore acceptable. But I became just another person who was mistreating "Me".
He is not the one who put his hands to my skin and made me bleed. He caused some of the inner "bleeding" that led to the outer attack, but I could have responded differently. I know I have to take full responsibility for increased scratching being my response to his actions. I had plenty of other options. I could have left. But I cared more about him getting better and figured that as he did, I would.
But that's not how it works.
And I now find myself in the difficult spot of trying to forgive myself for every scar on my body. And stopping creating them for that matter.
Yes, my love for myself was truly sacrificed.
And that’s what I do.
I sacrifice myself when I love others.
Family. Lovers. Friends.
And sometimes when I realize what I allowed to happen to me in my relationship,
I again fight it. I have to prove to myself that I can stand up for myself. I
have to prove that I’m not just a doormat. And sometimes, in my effort to do
what I feel I should have done before, I go overboard. I yell, I say things I
don’t mean and dump a heap of anger at the feet of my former lover to make up for my past reactions of silence over things that I was too shocked to respond properly to because I never thought someone would treat me that way.
That's another trait of mine I want to work on.
I overcompensate.
That's another trait of mine I want to work on.
I overcompensate.
And then I take a step back, and realize that I’m behaving
no better toward him than he behaved toward me to cause my outburst.
And I stop and breathe.
And I feel rotten and think about my words.
And I apologize and ask forgiveness.
And not once have I been told I’ve been denied that
forgiveness.
And I thank him for that.
Perhaps this goes back to the self-love concept.
If I really loved myself, would I let these things happen to
me?
It’s possible.
I do love myself, though not as I
should.
I enjoy my own company more than the company of any other person.
I love to laugh at silly things I do and buy myself chocolate and treat myself to small, pretty things and new experiences when I can.
I love to baby myself when I'm sick or unhappy, and I love cleaning and soothing my skin after I mess up and scratch.
And my favorite trait about myself is how much I love other people and have compassion for them.
And yet I allowed others to mistreat me, as though I have no compassion for myself.
I enjoy my own company more than the company of any other person.
I love to laugh at silly things I do and buy myself chocolate and treat myself to small, pretty things and new experiences when I can.
I love to baby myself when I'm sick or unhappy, and I love cleaning and soothing my skin after I mess up and scratch.
And my favorite trait about myself is how much I love other people and have compassion for them.
And yet I allowed others to mistreat me, as though I have no compassion for myself.
The only time I let them go very far is when I love the
person.
If I don’t love that person, I’m much better about asserting
myself, though still far too kind.
I find that few people love the way I do, stuck up as that may sound.
And because few people reflect the love I feel I'm giving, I sometimes feel unloved, even when I'm told I am cared for. I feel alone. And sometimes I wonder if that contributes to my scratching.
I find that few people love the way I do, stuck up as that may sound.
And because few people reflect the love I feel I'm giving, I sometimes feel unloved, even when I'm told I am cared for. I feel alone. And sometimes I wonder if that contributes to my scratching.
I think what it boils down to is this:
I need to relax.
I need to breathe.
I need to look in the mirror and say:
“Dear Self (past, present, and future), I love you and I forgive you. Your love and approval is the only love and approval you need in this world.You are a sweet, beautiful, gentle creature. You did what you thought was best in the situations fate handed you. You didn't know what else to do. You love in ways some people don’t know how. You have a big heart, and sometimes that big heart gets so focused on loving others that it forgets you need love too. Be selfish once in a while. Show a bit of vanity and self-love. Let others see it so well that they might get uncomfortable. Give yourself a kiss and a hug, because in the end, you are all you have.”
Why Is Self-Forgiveness Important?
An army divided against itself will struggle.
An army of one against itself is defenseless.
If you don't support yourself, no one will.
If you don't love yourself, it doesn't matter if anyone else does.
I need to breathe.
I need to look in the mirror and say:
“Dear Self (past, present, and future), I love you and I forgive you. Your love and approval is the only love and approval you need in this world.You are a sweet, beautiful, gentle creature. You did what you thought was best in the situations fate handed you. You didn't know what else to do. You love in ways some people don’t know how. You have a big heart, and sometimes that big heart gets so focused on loving others that it forgets you need love too. Be selfish once in a while. Show a bit of vanity and self-love. Let others see it so well that they might get uncomfortable. Give yourself a kiss and a hug, because in the end, you are all you have.”
Why Is Self-Forgiveness Important?
An army divided against itself will struggle.
An army of one against itself is defenseless.
If you don't support yourself, no one will.
If you don't love yourself, it doesn't matter if anyone else does.
Someone once told me:
"You have so much love inside. If you loved yourself the way you loved others, amazing things would happen."
"You have so much love inside. If you loved yourself the way you loved others, amazing things would happen."
I want amazing things to happen.
I think those amazing things could include getting a handle on how I treat my skin.
I believe that inner peace leads to outer peace.
Inner wounds, like outer ones, heal best when acknowledged, but not bothered and made to bleed. They must be tended to with gentle kindness, not aggression. And the healing must happen inside before being reflected outwardly.
I think important things anyone can ask themselves for inner peace are:
Are there things you need to forgive yourself for?
Are there things you need to forgive others for?
Are there people in your life that are bad influences?
Do they put your healing as a low priority?
Do they help you make healthy decisions?
Do they take advantage of you?
Should the people in your life be as deep in your life as they are?
Have they earned the right to be there by treating you properly?
And if not, have amends been made for any harm they've done to you?
Do you love yourself?
Are there things happening in your life presently that are disturbing your peace? Are there things you need to forgive yourself for?
Are there things you need to forgive others for?
Are there people in your life that are bad influences?
Do they put your healing as a low priority?
Do they help you make healthy decisions?
Do they take advantage of you?
Should the people in your life be as deep in your life as they are?
Have they earned the right to be there by treating you properly?
And if not, have amends been made for any harm they've done to you?
I've heard it said that forgiving someone doesn't mean they deserved to be forgiven. Forgiving someone should happen because you deserve inner peace over it.
I deserve inner peace.
I want to get well and move on from scratching.
I will forgive:
My family.
Myself.
Him.
They are not bad people. And they didn't necessarily mean to hurt me.
My parents did what they thought was best. And I will love them even if they don't accept my life choices. From a distance.
And rather than judge and hold a grudge against my former lover, I should take what I know from my compulsive behavior and do my best to understand how hard it is to stop drinking. Rather than pointing fingers, support should be offered. From a distance.
I will love them all anyway. Because real love doesn't stop just because someone disagrees with your life choices. Because real love doesn't stop just because someone makes a poor decision or goes through a hard time.
I will heal.
But I know I can only heal myself.
And I'm doing my best.
Since I've started trying to change my mindset and response, I've found myself climbing up out of the pit of depression little by little, and my skin is looking fantastic today for that matter.
The condition of my skin is the fault of no one else. Though it's not entirely my fault either. But the only one who placed her hands on me was me. And that's what counts. I have to sit down with the girl inside and talk with her about a few things. And I do sometimes. She can be laconic at times. Other times we have much to discuss. Either way, I need to treat her better.
Rather than say "You should have been smarter", I will say "You did the best I could".
The finger pointing, in all areas, needs to stop.
The holding on to things for fear I will forget them and forget what happened to me and not learn from them, needs to be handled in a different way.
But one thing will remain the same.
And that's the reason behind my actions.
Love.
Only next time, Love will be my reason for leaving a bad situation rather than trying to stick it out for the other person.
Self Love.
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