Remembering Who I Am

The shock I've been in for the past couple of years- of how fast things happened and how rapidly they turned sour in the face of alcohol- wiped my memory clean. As previously mentioned, I ended up in a denial where I tried to force solutions by simply accepting things and forsaking my boundaries in the interest of  keeping the peace and protecting my loved one. Though my picking began before that, I know that the inner identity crisis I've been dealing with as a codependent has made it worse. Sometimes I feel like a blank slate....as though the pain I've been caused and have caused myself turned me into a sponge; I absorbed, but didn't emit my own frequency. I was frozen in a mode of accepting everything and not putting my foot down. I've been trying to regain my footing. Trying to recall who I am and what I'm about. The little things and big things that make me "Me".

This is part of my trying to heal. This is for my benefit specifically, so if you're not in the mood for random facts about a potential stranger, feel free to stop reading. Otherwise, this is me:

I prefer not to share my real name, but you can call me Mary. That's my grandmother's name, and I think she is one of the most wonderful women in the world. I really look up to her for her gentleness and patience. She really knows how to love, and I hope I can learn to love a fraction of  how much she can. This is her when she was around my age. Isn't she lovely? And that's nothing compared to how beautiful she is on the inside.

My admiration for her is a significant part of who I am and how I try to handle situations. I also feel like some of the traits she has are innate for me, or at least ones I picked up at a young enough age to where they are a relatively natural part of me.

      I declare myself a strong and independent woman. But right now I am a walking contradiction, because I haven't been feeling or acting very strong or independent sometimes. But you know what? That's okay. I'm doing the best I can. And I'm doing better every day. I am also learning as I go.

I love blueberries, rice and chiles, and dark chocolate.
Also, I'm a sucker for Italian food.
I love the smell of rain.
I don't like water in my eyes or on my face. But rain on my face is okay for some reason.
David Arkenstone music is the soundtrack to my life.
This is one of my favorite songs, and it's best when listened to alone in the dark with the volume as loud as it can go:

I have wild hair and love to dress wild like a tribal princess or a gypsy queen.
But I'm quite easy to please.
If you want me to like you, keep your word and be kind. Don't hurt other people.
I am innocent, but love to swear like a ghetto diva.
I love to write and create with my hands.
Thrift shopping is a grand treasure hunt. I try not to do it too much.
This is a necklace I made and feel very proud of:

Simple pleasures are my joy, as is loving others.
I am normally strong and stand my ground when people mistreat me.
But I also am learning that I'm a little more lenient these days than I'd like to be.
I want equality and health for all people.
I am loyal.
I am an introvert, but I sometimes get lonely because I don't feel that the love I give is reflected by very many.
I think I want to be a teacher; specifically, and English teacher. I love to write.
I hope to be a writer someday as well.
And a seamstress.
And a singer.
And a dancer.
And an actress.
And a classy chef.
And have my own boutique with my clothes and jewelry.
And be a farmer.
All at once.
Yes.

I love earth tones, and feel mysterious when I wear black.
I don't like makeup, but I love to put shiny or colorful things on my lips.
My lips and eyes are some of my favorite physical characteristics about myself.
A good pair of eyes can make my heart flutter.
I believe that most people mean well even if they aren't so nice.
There are few things you can do to upset me.
I love to walk and ride my bike.
I secretly think driving just isn't meant for me. This may derive from the fact that I hit the mail box my first time behind the wheel...I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brakes.
I'm not very coordinated. I confuse left and right and I think I'm dyslexic sometimes.
If I could live anywhere, it would be on a small farm near the woods and mountains.
My scratching is my least favorite trait about myself.
I know I'm young, but I sometimes have a strong desire for a life partner and kids.
I want two kids. One boy and one girl. So I can treat them equally.
I want a man who doesn't drink, even if he used to.
I want a man who doesn't let temptations get the better of him or place a lot of importance on sex.
I want a man who cares about love more than anything in a relationship...in a healthy way of course.
He will accept all my flaws and quirks, as I will his.
He will be wholesome and not be afraid to express himself despite social influences that men should be stoic figures of nothing but strength.
I want someone who would bend over as far backward for me as I would for them.
I've always had the idea in my head that I would be married at the age of 24, and I'm not sure why that is.
If I could be any animal, I would be a cheetah...or some kind of bird that can fly....of a flying cheetah with jingly coins on my feathers.

I want to take voice lessons and dance lessons.
Sewing my own clothes is a dream of mine.
I want to learn to play an instrument, but I'm not sure if I'm too lazy to actually do it or not.
Living off the land is another dream of mine.
The world (I believe) is falling to pieces and going to shit, and I'm afraid to watch.
Big earrings can make or break an outfit....so can a smile.
I love triscuits and corn chips.
Sunflower seeds are another weakness of mine.
And cheese.
If my body reflected my eating sometimes, I would be terribly fat.
But I do try to take care of myself.
I accept that I will never know everything, and that I learn more every day.
I have always wondered how it would feel to be pregnant, but I sometimes wonder if I could handle the pain...and the demands of caring for a wrinkly, screaming raisin creature who gets hungry every two hours.
Sometimes I feel old and cynical, and more intelligent than a majority of the American population.
Sometimes I feel like a lost little girl in a very large world, and like I don't know shit.
My boundaries are unclear right now. But I do know that if you hurt me, I will never forget it, even if I do forgive.
In fact, I think that my boundaries are a topic for another post...one devoted solely to them.

I know I'm a good girl.
I know I deserve good things.
And I know I will heal.