21 Birthday Wishes

21 is almost here. That's not very old, I suppose, but sometimes I feel severely aged and cynical. I've had some wisdom and some knowledge thrust upon me in the past few years that I wish had come easier. But there's no sense in wishing to change the past, only to mend the future before it comes.

And so, for my birthday, I wish:


1. Both to have my hair back and to leave this painful phase behind, that I might feel like ME again and restore the parts of me that have been missing for about 3 years now- ability to trust, superb self-confidence, full-comprehension of my self worth, carefree joy in my heart.


2. I wish to remember to see the silver lining before I ever even notice there's a cloud.

3. I wish for those in my life to restore their minds and bodies to health.


4. I wish for love, and not to feel so lonely, whatever form the solution may come in.


5. I wish to regain my footing and I wish to become better at forgiving.


6. I wish for the certainty of a happy future.

7. I wish for the world to wise-up and take care of business before we all blow each other up over something stupid.

8. I wish to be out of debt, and be in a financial position to help others instead.


9. I wish for peace and solitude from judgement while I heal.

10. I wish for good health as a result of me taking care of myself the way I should.


11. I wish for healthy skin and healing hands.


12. I wish to meet my future life partner soon so I don't have to miss out on any more of their life than I already have, and that I might watch them grow.

13. I wish for my family to look past the word "atheist" and just see ME again.


14. I wish for my creativity to flourish.


15. I wish for my business to prosper.


16. I wish to come to terms with the heartache, and walk away with only the lessons from what I've experienced in the past 3-4 years.



17. I wish for YOU to find healing.


18. I wish for total peace and to feel purpose.


19. I wish to be able to see myself from the perspective of my greatest admirer.

20. I wish for what I deserve, whatever that may be.



21. I wish for all of my wishes to be applied to anyone else who needs them.

Venting on a Difficult Night

I'm really feeling this song lately...and the lyrics made me cry, so I hope you'll read them (I've attached the link to them below):

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858747139/

You're reading/listening because I'm writing rather than picking.

Sometimes I feel dead inside. And so, so alone. For most of 2013, I've felt like I've been starving for love and acceptance. So much of what I was taught and so much of what I've hoped for has turned out to be an illusion and a fantasy that can never be made reality. In the real world, people betray you. They leave when they say they'll stay, or overstay their welcome. They're selfish enough to think that they have all the answers, and that if you don't agree with them, not only are you less of a person, but you're one who will be punished. People have skeletons in their closet. Life is not all it's cracked up to be. New York is just another dirty, smelly city full of  bored people wishing for bigger and better things once you see past the flashing lights. Golden beaches with vacation houses don't make everything else into paradise. Darkness can exist there too. People lie. People use you, no matter how much you try to stay out of trouble. People bring destruction into your life and leave you to clean up the mess. They have two faces. They come with a fleet of bedbugs. They weave the strands of their own agenda around you and trap you inside a cocoon until you've changed for the worse. I feel hopeless tonight. Not because I have issues, but because I see issues. Too many for me to solve. I'm having a difficult time finding something to look forward to when so much is fucked up. Sometimes it's hard to see the silver lining when the silver is tarnished and there's a blanket of fog blurring your vision.

How did I get here? Feeling like I've been run over by a hundred-car train. Am I being punished? I was a good baptist girl. God smiled down on me because I was pure, and innocent, and had good intentions. And then devastation came. I always knew Santa wasn't real, and didn't understand why so many children were torn to pieces when they learned "Santa" was just their parents trying to get them to be good with the promise of gifts....Until I learned the same thing about God; he was just my parents' way of trying to get me to be good with the promise of pearl gates and golden streets. What a shame that I don't care for pearls, and I much prefer bronze. To them, it's dirty like me. Even though I'm still that innocent girl with good intentions, I'm a booze chugging, weed-smoking whore who wears her clothes way too tight. Because a worldly size 3 needs to be hidden in shame beneath size 7 jeans. Because having people in my life who choose to use substances automatically makes me a user and abuser too.

I'm tired of this.

I have to get out of here.

Love me for what I am and who I am.

Or walk away and never come back.

Triggers and Bullets

Sometimes it's hard for others to understand us and what triggers us. For us, every trigger has a bullet that follows. It burrows into our brains. It gets thoughts going. And maybe if people understood what we were thinking, they would accept us more, and support our healing a little more efficiently. If you're reading this as a sufferer, I hope you feel understood. If you're reading this as an "outsider", I hope you feel like you understand us better.

Here are a few triggers for Dermatillomaniacs and my interpretation of what goes through their/our heads.

Trigger #1: The Media's Idea of Beautiful Skin.



 

The Bullet: Yes, we know that this level of skin perfection is not real. We know that it's a deception. We know all about airbrushing and makeup and Photoshop. But seeing this "perfection" makes us feel dirty and insufficient, because not only does society idolize this level of perfection, but so do we in a different way. We know in the back of our minds that if we looked this way instead of the way we do, things might be better for us. People wouldn't look at us in disgust or think we were drug addicts. Loved ones wouldn't be so hard on us or worried because they don't understand why we can't just "leave our skin alone". Perhaps a spouse or significant other would still be there for us...perhaps they wouldn't have left for someone whose skin looks more like this. Perhaps they couldn't handle watching us destroy ourselves. Maybe we would know that who we are on the inside was enough for them, because our "not-so-perfect" skin and the fact that we caused it wouldn't have scared them away. If we all had perfect skin, the average Joe wouldn't look at us and think we were crazy. And seeing perfect skin flaunted in front of us can bring up any, all, and more of those types of feelings.





Trigger #2: Mirrors

The Bullet: In the same way seeing airbrushed skin makes us feel dirty, our own reflection shows us that we are "dirty" (whatever that means to us). Sometimes we see it worse than it is and find flaws where there aren't any. Sometimes we shut out the damage we've caused ourselves. But if you're anything like me, visual input is one of the best ways to make something sink in for me. So when I see how "un-perfect" my face is, it causes me that same stress of knowing people look at me in disgust, knowing loved ones see it and worry, and knowing it's the cause of some people not wanting to be close to me. And sadly, if it's a bad day, we might agree that we are unworthy, even if it's not true.

Trigger #3: Feeling Our Skin

The Bullet: The average person can brush their hands over their skin without a second thought. And I hope to heal so much one day that I can do the same. But for most of us at some point, feeling anything less than silk is agitating. Again, we feel dirty and less than perfect. And it would take more than one blog post to explain why. And the reason why could be a little bit different for each sufferer. But we don't like it any more than you like it. So go easy on us.

Trigger #4: Feeling Belittled For Our Skin

The Bullet: Sometimes people don't realize the impact of their words. When a woman approaches you in the mall and recommends a product that "will clear that skin problem right up" . When a man behind you in the grocery line tells you that if you ate healthier, your skin wouldn't look like it did. When the kids you're babysitting see an old picture of you and say "wow, you used to have a lot less pimples". When you're told your skin is a turn off. No one is ever really taught that blemishes, bumps, marks, and pimples are acceptable and natural. The majority of products out there are to improve appearance and enhance beauty. And though the pressure to look good is felt by just about everyone, and though it's not the sole problem behind our quest to feel clean and beautiful, imagine the average person's feelings of inadequacy...and multiply them by the amount of blemishes on the skin of a Dermatillomaniac on any given day...and you'll understand a fraction of how they feel.


Trigger #5: Inner Turmoil

The Bullet: Everyone handles their demons differently. Some turn to food. Some to starvation. Some to drugs. We turn to ourselves. And it's not a simple matter of self-destruction. An alcoholic doesn't drink because they want to kill themselves any more than we pick because we want to hurt ourselves (though some with Derma also have those feelings if other issues are going on inside). Somehow, this makes us feel better....temporarily. But it's a vicious circle as most are. Please understand that this is our predisposition. I don't think I know a single sufferer who started out by saying "gee, I think I'm gonna scratch the shit out of myself to the point of bleeding". As shocked as you are by us, we feel just as unhappy about it.



Wouldn't it be nice....

Wouldn't it be nice if we could make our minds bullet-proof? If we could train our brains to ignore the triggers? If we could look at the skin in the magazine ads and simply say "that's not real, I am"? If we could look in the mirror and do nothing but meet our own eyes and feel satisfied? If we could feel mountain ranges on our skin and know it's just another beautiful part of who we are? If we could see that we don't need to destroy, but rather, build ourselves up on the inside? Maybe one day soon....

Apply This to Loving Yourself

Apply This to Loving Yourself

What Clear Skin Feels Like

I wish everyone could feel what I'm feeling right now. The pride, the satisfaction, the bubbling over with excitement at something as simple as being able to look in the mirror and have the first thing that jumps out at me be the sparkle of joy in my eyes rather than wounds I know I put there myself. If I could give everyone in the world a gift, it would be this feeling. The feeling of conquering. The feeling of Sisyphus being able to let go of his stone for a while. The feeling of snow blanketing and soothing a war-torn valley.

   

I almost can't believe my eyes when I look in the mirror. My skin hasn't looked this beautiful to me or felt this beautiful in quite some time. I am winning the battle. My frequent trips to the mirror the past few days have been to admire what I've accomplished rather than destroy what's already broken. I walk around and don't feel ashamed of what I've done to myself, because what I've done is let myself heal. My smile feels a little brighter, my heart much happier. Because I know I'm taking good care of myself. It's not just about looking better outside. I feel this coolness in my blood, and a peace in my skin, if that makes any sense at all. It reminds me of how it felt when the doctors gave me morphine before I had to have my appendix out. I went from a sharp, hot, burning pain, to what felt like the perfect zephyr flowing through my body. But no words do it justice, so I've included pictures below, and want you to imagine how your body would feel if you were the person inside any of these pictures:

  

  

Does that make any sense at all? I feel like I'm dressed in wind and floating.

Yes, there may be slip-ups to come. Yes, there are still scars. I will always have evidence that I hurt myself, even when I get better for good. But it's just a reminder that I can conquer, and that fought and won.

I'm healing!

I Glow

I've been doing well with my skin lately.

Extremely well.

I'm healing up quite well despite inner turmoils.

And I'm excited.

With each blemish that begins to fade, I feel like I'm remembering a little more who I am normally underneath the pain and confusion.

It's ineffable.

And I will not forget this feeling.

Because I know If I hold on to it, it will help sweep me upward and out of this.

I feel like a helium balloon on the rise.

I will soon be untouchable.

Touch.

When I touch my face, I touch it with kindness.

When I brush my fingers over wounds, I'm beginning to think more about how much longer until they heal on their own, rather than thinking about ripping them open.

I know rough days are yet to come when I will feel like I need to intervene,

but in the meantime, I'm appreciating how I feel presently.

I glow.

 

Fuck This

I'm done.
I'm so fucking done.
There has to be more.
There has to be a better existence.
And I'm going to go out and get it.
Fuck this.
Fuck the scratching, the embarassment, the shame.
Fuck not feeling like enough, when I'm too much and too good to have to hurt myself that way.
I'm taking pride in all that is me, and unleashing myself.
Yes I'm soft, yes I'm sweet, but I'm strong and powerful.
No one is going to mess with me anymore.
Not even me.
I have this theory, that all we hide from the outside world bottles up and destroys us eventually.
And if so, I'm a glass bottle, and I'm cracking from the pressure.
If you have nothing positive to add to my life, stay out of it.
If you can't stop hurting me, you'd better learn in a hurry.
I won't tear myself apart because of how others have treated me.
THEY are the ones that deserve my fingernails across their ugly faces.
But I won't hurt them.
That's Karma's job.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am human.
But I'm also happy.
Because the sun is setting on the worst days of my life.
And the moon is rising to reveal a cool and cleansing night.
And in that night is the face and the spirit of the woman I'm about to become...who is very similar to the girl I was before anything hurt me.
I'm about to renew myself.