I wish everyone could feel what I'm feeling right now. The pride, the satisfaction, the bubbling over with excitement at something as simple as being able to look in the mirror and have the first thing that jumps out at me be the sparkle of joy in my eyes rather than wounds I know I put there myself. If I could give everyone in the world a gift, it would be this feeling. The feeling of conquering. The feeling of Sisyphus being able to let go of his stone for a while. The feeling of snow blanketing and soothing a war-torn valley.
I almost can't believe my eyes when I look in the mirror. My skin hasn't looked this beautiful to me or felt this beautiful in quite some time. I am winning the battle. My frequent trips to the mirror the past few days have been to admire what I've accomplished rather than destroy what's already broken. I walk around and don't feel ashamed of what I've done to myself, because what I've done is let myself heal. My smile feels a little brighter, my heart much happier. Because I know I'm taking good care of myself. It's not just about looking better outside. I feel this coolness in my blood, and a peace in my skin, if that makes any sense at all. It reminds me of how it felt when the doctors gave me morphine before I had to have my appendix out. I went from a sharp, hot, burning pain, to what felt like the perfect zephyr flowing through my body. But no words do it justice, so I've included pictures below, and want you to imagine how your body would feel if you were the person inside any of these pictures:
Does that make any sense at all? I feel like I'm dressed in wind and floating.
Yes, there may be slip-ups to come. Yes, there are still scars. I will always have evidence that I hurt myself, even when I get better for good. But it's just a reminder that I can conquer, and that fought and won.
I'm healing!
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