Sometimes it's hard for others to understand us and what triggers us. For us, every trigger has a bullet that follows. It burrows into our brains. It gets thoughts going. And maybe if people understood what we were thinking, they would accept us more, and support our healing a little more efficiently. If you're reading this as a sufferer, I hope you feel understood. If you're reading this as an "outsider", I hope you feel like you understand us better.
Here are a few triggers for Dermatillomaniacs and my interpretation of what goes through their/our heads.
Trigger #1: The Media's Idea of Beautiful Skin.
The Bullet: Yes, we know that this level of skin perfection is not real. We know that it's a deception. We know all about airbrushing and makeup and Photoshop. But seeing this "perfection" makes us feel dirty and insufficient, because not only does society idolize this level of perfection, but so do we in a different way. We know in the back of our minds that if we looked this way instead of the way we do, things might be better for us. People wouldn't look at us in disgust or think we were drug addicts. Loved ones wouldn't be so hard on us or worried because they don't understand why we can't just "leave our skin alone". Perhaps a spouse or significant other would still be there for us...perhaps they wouldn't have left for someone whose skin looks more like this. Perhaps they couldn't handle watching us destroy ourselves. Maybe we would know that who we are on the inside was enough for them, because our "not-so-perfect" skin and the fact that we caused it wouldn't have scared them away. If we all had perfect skin, the average Joe wouldn't look at us and think we were crazy. And seeing perfect skin flaunted in front of us can bring up any, all, and more of those types of feelings.
Trigger #2: Mirrors
The Bullet: In the same way seeing airbrushed skin makes us feel dirty, our own reflection shows us that we are "dirty" (whatever that means to us). Sometimes we see it worse than it is and find flaws where there aren't any. Sometimes we shut out the damage we've caused ourselves. But if you're anything like me, visual input is one of the best ways to make something sink in for me. So when I see how "un-perfect" my face is, it causes me that same stress of knowing people look at me in disgust, knowing loved ones see it and worry, and knowing it's the cause of some people not wanting to be close to me. And sadly, if it's a bad day, we might agree that we are unworthy, even if it's not true.
Trigger #3: Feeling Our Skin
The Bullet: The average person can brush their hands over their skin without a second thought. And I hope to heal so much one day that I can do the same. But for most of us at some point, feeling anything less than silk is agitating. Again, we feel dirty and less than perfect. And it would take more than one blog post to explain why. And the reason why could be a little bit different for each sufferer. But we don't like it any more than you like it. So go easy on us.
The Bullet: The average person can brush their hands over their skin without a second thought. And I hope to heal so much one day that I can do the same. But for most of us at some point, feeling anything less than silk is agitating. Again, we feel dirty and less than perfect. And it would take more than one blog post to explain why. And the reason why could be a little bit different for each sufferer. But we don't like it any more than you like it. So go easy on us.
Trigger #4: Feeling Belittled For Our Skin
The Bullet: Sometimes people don't realize the impact of their words. When a woman approaches you in the mall and recommends a product that "will clear that skin problem right up" . When a man behind you in the grocery line tells you that if you ate healthier, your skin wouldn't look like it did. When the kids you're babysitting see an old picture of you and say "wow, you used to have a lot less pimples". When you're told your skin is a turn off. No one is ever really taught that blemishes, bumps, marks, and pimples are acceptable and natural. The majority of products out there are to improve appearance and enhance beauty. And though the pressure to look good is felt by just about everyone, and though it's not the sole problem behind our quest to feel clean and beautiful, imagine the average person's feelings of inadequacy...and multiply them by the amount of blemishes on the skin of a Dermatillomaniac on any given day...and you'll understand a fraction of how they feel.
Trigger #5: Inner Turmoil
The Bullet: Everyone handles their demons differently. Some turn to food. Some to starvation. Some to drugs. We turn to ourselves. And it's not a simple matter of self-destruction. An alcoholic doesn't drink because they want to kill themselves any more than we pick because we want to hurt ourselves (though some with Derma also have those feelings if other issues are going on inside). Somehow, this makes us feel better....temporarily. But it's a vicious circle as most are. Please understand that this is our predisposition. I don't think I know a single sufferer who started out by saying "gee, I think I'm gonna scratch the shit out of myself to the point of bleeding". As shocked as you are by us, we feel just as unhappy about it.
Wouldn't it be nice....
Wouldn't it be nice if we could make our minds bullet-proof? If we could train our brains to ignore the triggers? If we could look at the skin in the magazine ads and simply say "that's not real, I am"? If we could look in the mirror and do nothing but meet our own eyes and feel satisfied? If we could feel mountain ranges on our skin and know it's just another beautiful part of who we are? If we could see that we don't need to destroy, but rather, build ourselves up on the inside? Maybe one day soon....
The Bullet: Sometimes people don't realize the impact of their words. When a woman approaches you in the mall and recommends a product that "will clear that skin problem right up" . When a man behind you in the grocery line tells you that if you ate healthier, your skin wouldn't look like it did. When the kids you're babysitting see an old picture of you and say "wow, you used to have a lot less pimples". When you're told your skin is a turn off. No one is ever really taught that blemishes, bumps, marks, and pimples are acceptable and natural. The majority of products out there are to improve appearance and enhance beauty. And though the pressure to look good is felt by just about everyone, and though it's not the sole problem behind our quest to feel clean and beautiful, imagine the average person's feelings of inadequacy...and multiply them by the amount of blemishes on the skin of a Dermatillomaniac on any given day...and you'll understand a fraction of how they feel.
Trigger #5: Inner Turmoil
The Bullet: Everyone handles their demons differently. Some turn to food. Some to starvation. Some to drugs. We turn to ourselves. And it's not a simple matter of self-destruction. An alcoholic doesn't drink because they want to kill themselves any more than we pick because we want to hurt ourselves (though some with Derma also have those feelings if other issues are going on inside). Somehow, this makes us feel better....temporarily. But it's a vicious circle as most are. Please understand that this is our predisposition. I don't think I know a single sufferer who started out by saying "gee, I think I'm gonna scratch the shit out of myself to the point of bleeding". As shocked as you are by us, we feel just as unhappy about it.
Wouldn't it be nice....
Wouldn't it be nice if we could make our minds bullet-proof? If we could train our brains to ignore the triggers? If we could look at the skin in the magazine ads and simply say "that's not real, I am"? If we could look in the mirror and do nothing but meet our own eyes and feel satisfied? If we could feel mountain ranges on our skin and know it's just another beautiful part of who we are? If we could see that we don't need to destroy, but rather, build ourselves up on the inside? Maybe one day soon....
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