Broken Legs Learning to Walk Again Will Stumble. And That's Okay.

This week has been a slip up. In several ways.

But I know it's temporary. So no need to panic.

First, I’ve had a pretty good handle on my scratching for the last month or two, and lost it a little this week. But I will get it back. Because I understand what triggered me.

I’ve been watching all of my friends get married. There’s been a lot more of them lately than usual. And it’s even leaked into my dreams. I’ve had several  dreams in the past two weeks about marrying the man I care about. Which is not good. Because the man is not mine. Therefore, when I wake up, I’m reminded of the rather nasty ending we had.  Other things remind me of it too. Finding old pictures, old letters, etc. The problem is not so much that I’m single, as the pain that introduced me to the single life again.

They say fight or flight. And when it comes to dealing with the pain of the huge mess surrounding my breakup, I fight, and then flee, and then return to fight again, and so on and so on. I lash out, and then I realize that has only made things worse, so I cower. And after a while of cowering, I begin to feel weak, as though I let my enemy escape unharmed. So I lash out again. The cycle has to live out its course for a few months before it goes away. I know that much about myself is true.  And my scratching follows suit. About the time I’m lashing out at someone else is when I do the most damage to myself. Because I hate hurting other people. It makes me suffer too. And I’ve decided that this cycle must end. Because I need to love myself.

I have also realized that I am what I would describe as an “Associator”. If it hurts me, it becomes the enemy. But not only that, anything tied to it becomes the enemy.

Example: If several people from New York havebeen disrespectful to me, I think of New York under a negative light for a while after that. If I eat spaghetti and get so sick that I vomit, I steer clear of spaghetti out of fear for a while. If I talk to someone a lot, and suddenly don’t hear from them for a week, and the next time I hear from them it’s nothing but bad news, then the next time I don’t hear from them for a while, I might (in the back of my mind) anticipate more bad news. 

Silly?

Perhaps.
But it's a reality.
And these attitudes and fears are not permenant.
I think it’s a defense mechanism I’ve developed somehow.
Which may not be an entirely bad thing, because it means that I'm protective of myself and I care about myself.
However, it may be an unhealthy way of dealing with pain, as I allow it to rule my thoughts later.

This too is a cycle that needs to end.

And my first step is acknowledging it and understanding it.

No one likes to be hurt.

And for me, the biggest thing that helps me when I get hurt is to know the offending party is sorry. And honestly, if you hurt me, you can never say “I’m sorry” too many times. It’s when I never hear a lick of regret out of those who hurt me that it really gets to me. Why? Because not only did they hurt me, but they don’t care that they did. And who doesn’t want someone to care? So when someone hurts me and never expresses that regret, I protect myself by putting up my spiked walls, baring my teeth, and extending my claws. It’s not that I want to attack. It’s that I want to protect myself from any more hurt. And sometimes, all it takes is for me to think of the hurt hey inflicted for me to feel like I need to defend myself. And so at times, the claws come out a week after the fact if it happens to cross my mind. Is it my way of grieving? Perhaps. Because generally if I think about what that person did later and get upset, it means I trusted and cared about them on some level and have to let them go because they clearly do not care

I need to improve my self-expression for sure. And that doesn’t mean I need to go hide in solitude while I do it. In fact, sometimes, I wish I had a significant other to grow with because I could use a loving dose of “hey, I’ve noticed this behavior, let’s work on this” every so often from someone who knows me close enough to understand that I mean no harm. And I would love to do the same for someone else.

I need to tune out other people and watch my own feet: I often think of my life in terms of a chess game. 

I try to anticipate the moves of all the other players on the board so that they can’t hurt me. Unfortunately, I try so hard to anticipate the moves of others that I don’t watch where I’M going, and sometimes stumble.

But I’ve learned that I have to forgive myself for that. And that I need to surround myself with people who will also forgive me for stumbling as I learn and get back on my feet.

Yes, I've come to recognize that something bad happened to me. I have been hurt. And I can't simply push through it like it never occurred. I have to stop and take time to heal. I need to talk things out and face realities. And sometimes, just when you think you've healed, you realize you have a little ways left to go with that healing. For me, I have a few more things to let sink in and accept and stop lashing out against. And that's okay. It doesn't make me unapproachable. I don't need to be quarantined. It makes me human. It makes me an individual. And you can either accept me while I'm not well and be there for me, or walk out of my life and not have the chance to be a part of it while I am well. At this time in my life, I will learn who truly cares about me. And I'm learning every day. Some might not make the cut, and those who do will be dear to me for the rest of my life.

My legs have been broken and I’m learning to walk again

Please forgive me for falling and help me up.

 Because even though I forgive myself and try to stand again,

sometimes it can’t be done alone.