My Thoughts on Healthy Love

I've had this song stuck in my head for two weeks, and it happens to match this post, so I thought I would include it.

This may be one of the cheesiest things I've ever written, but you don't have to like it.

I've come to realize that the way society sometimes makes fun of women for wanting to get married and have kids is completely stupid. Why shouldn't you want to marry the person you love? If they make you happy, why shouldn't the thought cross your mind of spending the rest of your life with them? If their presence puts you at ease and they are a joy and a comfort, what’s the harm in thinking you may want them around forever?

I’ve also come to realize I’ve been holding back. In part because I didn't know if I was ready to accept how I felt for someone who may not feel the way I do, in part because of society making fun of women getting “overly attached”, and in part because logic says I should feel for someone I can actually be with and see on a regular basis.

But here it goes:

I love someone. I’m not sure if I’m “IN” love or not, but I might be. I think about marrying him and having kids sometimes.  There, I said it. And that doesn’t make me a “crazy”, “overly attached”, “overly-emotional”, “typical” female. It makes me human. Even if that person has issues. Even if I have issues.  In fact, even one of my sisters, who is happily married and very logical told me that loving someone with issues is okay, as long as I know and understand their problem and am prepared to be there for them and deal with the consequences. And here’s the thing: I think am prepared for that. Sometimes I feel prepared for anything because I'm still in one piece after so many crazy things happening.  And  It’s okay to love him. It’s okay to forgive. And if that doesn’t sit well with others, they can suck it up and deal with it. Because this is what I've come to feel and find true.



Who doesn’t want love? Who doesn’t want companionship? Who has never in their life considered what it might be like to have a little family and start a new generation?  Who hasn’t looked their serious partner in the face and thought “If we have kids, I hope they have his/her eyes/nose/lips”. It’s natural. And it’s healthy.

There are many kinds of love. Some are healthy, and some are not.



These are my opinions:

An example of unhealthy love would be the “first love” most people experience in their teens and twenties. The obsessive, blind, consuming love. Though it may feel like the most powerful kind of love of all, and though you may never feel as “strongly” for someone again quite that way, I look back on my first love and realize that I was so wrapped up that I was unrealistic about the future. To me, a healthy love considers the concept that things may not last forever. In my first relationship, my other half was “perfect”. He was like a god I worshiped blindly. A healthy love sees the faults of the other party and accepts them, but not blindly. In my first relationship, thinking about not having him made me not want to live. A healthy love is not so dependent. A healthy love accepts that life goes on, even if it hurts a lot. In my first relationship, the feelings of obsession were so explosive that I felt like I would burst at the seams with how amazing I felt.  The second time, the feelings snuck up on me when I was afraid they would not come. And when they did, it was a solid and peaceful feeling rather than a wild and desperate one. If you ask me, a healthy love might even wonder if they’re truly in love because the feeling is so comfortable and relaxed.  You become acclimated, though your eyes still light up around the other person and a soft and special feeling comes. The expectation is generally “fireworks”. Some expect a huge spark and a blazing fire, when really, love can be a soft, steady candle flame.



Healthy love is when you give someone what they truly need- not just what they want or what they deserve… Like when I found an injured butterfly and placed it on a flower rather than holding it in my hands all day and petting it like I wanted to. I gave it what it needed- a safe place. Give them space to heal if they need it, but never make them feel like you're not there for them with that space.

Healthy love is when you see someone in bad shape, but still bask in their beauty and treat them like they’re special….like when you find a leaf so decayed that it’s simply a brown skeleton, but instead of death, you see how precious and wonderful it still is.

Healthy love is when you fight and go your separate ways, and each of you daydreams about making up and restoring the peace.

Healthy love is being mad, but never letting the anger get in the way of you taking care of the other person when they have a need or a problem.

But I think the most important thing about healthy love is something my loved one told me long ago:
“You have to love yourself before you can love me.”

At first, I didn’t know what he meant.

But I do now;

You can’t have healthy love for anyone else until you have healthy love for yourself.

It’s something I believe takes a lifetime to master, but only a moment to understand.

And loving myself means that I accept my feelings for my alcoholic and will not punish myself for them or hold them back in shame or fear anymore.

Loving yourself means letting yourself shine through. It means expressing your inner feelings, allowing yourself to show weakness and cry- something most males in our society are not taught to think is an acceptable thing.

Loving yourself means letting it all hang out while respecting others.

So I’m gonna let it all hang out and stop censoring my true and soft inner self.