Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Never LEAVE Me

Even if you think you’ve let go of pain, you usually never forget the things that caused it. As a potential future English teacher and an avid writer, I’m familiar with the power words have. But I’m also familiar with them because I’m human, and have been both dazzled and hurt by them. Sometimes I wonder if the fact that I recall hurtful words means I have yet to let go of them or the pain that came from them. So in an attempt to explore this concept, I present to you a list of the hurtful things that have been said to me throughout my life that have managed to stay with me. Perhaps exploring their significance will tell me something about why they still pop into my head sometimes. This is a self-therapy thing that I don't expect readers to take 100% interest in. This is mostly for my sake. But before I start, I would like to inform you that there will be a "Part Two" to this post, containing POSITIVE words I've learned from. Because I don't want to focus solely on the negative.


The “OUCH!” List:

“Shoes from the dumpster”

In second grade, I moved to a new school. I had this pair of second-hand tennis shoes. In fact, I recall them being a pair of  "MacGregor" shoes, which was actually a sports shoe brand. But they were what fit and it was what we could afford. They were about as white as a messy seven-year-old who played in the dirt could keep an already-dingy pair of shoes. There were snotty girls in my class with much nicer things to wear. I will never forget the day I got made fun of by a group of girls for having “shoes from the dumpster”. I cried, and defended myself by saying that my parents didn’t have a lot of money- that we were poor. Because really, we were. Six children, one income, and half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch most days and milk in a re-used mini Sunny D bottle instead of school lunches with chocolate milk cartons like all the regular kids had. I didn’t say we were poor to manipulate anyone, but after that, they acted like they cared. They were more kind to me, and would sometimes give me their fruit roll-ups and other small food items at lunch, even though I never asked for anything. One of the girls even brought me some of her old clothes to help- I specifically recall a maroon skirt with white roses that I wore to church for years after that, and a pair of stretchy black velvet pants with fringe on the hem that my mother hated because they collected cat hair like a magnet. I didn’t connect the dots at the time that they were doing me favors because they thought I needed help. I simply thought they were done teasing me and had decided to be nice and be my friends. But they also spread the word to all my classmates, who had older siblings in my sisters’ and brother’s grades, and my siblings later confronted me about how the “rumors” got started. I denied that I had said anything, but got scared that my parents would find out and get mad at me. I guess even at seven, I knew that being poor wasn’t something you wanted to announce to the world. So I turned around and later told those same girls that our family had some good luck and we weren’t poor anymore.

Why I think this has stayed with me: I guess it’s a good example for me that sometimes all you need to change someone’s behavior toward you is establish empathy. And that sometimes people are mean about things when they don’t understand why you behave, dress, or do something differently than they do or that is the social norm. This entire blog is about empathy. So people might understand me, and that I might show others that I understand them too. I hope I’m doing a good job.



“Women should/shouldn’t/can’t/belong etc.”

This is a huge one. I was raised to be "a good, godly woman". There are too many individual comments to list, but I think you can get the gist.

Why I think this has stayed with me: My worth, purpose, and abilities were questioned from a very young age. I would be more worried if this hadn’t stayed with me. All I can do is learn from it and make the effort never to do that to anyone else, and to make sure that when and if I have children, I’m careful about what I tell them about themselves based on gender.


“The talking radio”

This is a long story, which I will ironically make short. I moved to a new school again in fourth grade, and wanted to turn over a new leaf. I wanted to be a friendly social butterfly. Instead, I got made fun of by the popular group for talking too much. They called me “the talking radio”. This was the same year this boy named Scotty constantly tormented me for accidentally farting in music class. In fact, he teased me about that until the first year of high school. And then he moved away. Scotty once made a bargain with me- that if I went all of lunch without talking, he would give me his string cheese. That whole lunch, he said mean, awful things to try and get me to speak up so I would lose the bet. But my love for string cheese was greater than my hate for him. For a skinny girl, I sure do love food. I won. But that was only one of many many instances where I was made fun of for talking. Instead of making the friends I desperately wanted, I was ostracized. I moved to a new school again the next year.

Why I think this has stayed with me: Self-expression is important to me. I don’t do well with being shut up or shut down. If you interrupt me or don’t listen, or consistently never answer me, I will begin to question how much you care about me. Also, I'm a girl of words. As mentioned before, I’m an avid writer. If I feel like my words aren’t important, it bums me out.

“You should find a friend who appreciates you more”/ “Well Heather is more popular than you, so I’d rather hang out with her”.

Two instances. Two friends. Both in middle school. Because middle school sucks, and everyone is so busy trying to figure themselves out in a big and new environment that they often forget the people who love them. This is how I started my days as a loner that are still going on to this day. This is how I realized I was an introvert and that I didn’t like hanging around people too much because they always disappointed me and seldom shared my interests. Even now, it’s hard to find a good friend. Because how many 20 year old girls roll their eyes at Rhianna and Adele concerts, and just about flip their shit over the chance to see the Moody Blues? Anyhow, the pain of losing people I thought I could count on really shook me up. But the words they did it with truly cut. Sometimes it’s like people know the worst thing to say to make a situation as painful for you as possible.

Why I think this has stayed with me: Honestly, it prepared me. Because as I gained and lost friends later on in life, I grew to expect it. And it didn’t really hurt anymore. Because I sort of grew to consider myself a Lilly-pad. People spend a while with me, but quickly hop away when a more appealing opportunity comes. I’m a stepping stone on their journey to the other side of the garden. And I’ve come to accept and expect that.

“She’s like my sister”

I bet you’re thinking: But why did that hurt you to hear? Because one day I saw the Facebook profile picture below (I believe it had the caption “you give me butterflies”), and realized that I had been blatantly lied to (either that or incest was his thing and I just never knew).

That’s my first love and his “sister-like” friend who soon replaced me as his girlfriend. No real names will be named. I do try on some level to keep everyone’s privacy that happens to be involved in my soap opera. This picture was already on the internet years ago.This is not a slanderous blog entry- simply the most truthful account of my experiences that I can provide. Simply imagine this is a photo of your very recent and still-loved ex kissing someone who had been in the picture all alone and wasn’t supposed to be a threat (but had been plotting to take your place the whole time), and you will feel what I felt when I first saw this picture at age 17. Ouch! I bet the next thing you're thinking is: If this was years ago, why do you have a picture of that? Isn't it a little stalkerish? Isn't that focusing a lot on the past? Actually, I thought I had gotten rid of this picture from my computer a long time ago. So why did I have it in the first place? It was a tool I used to get over the relationship because it reminded me of the deceit that had gone down, and gave me a good visual of the new reality I was living in. I'm a very visual person. I’m proud to say that though the very thought of this picture used to bring me to tears, I now look at it and see nothing but a pair of far-away strangers I never really new. It no longer brings out any true emotion or response other than: “Oh well. I don’t care anymore. The karma bus ran him over a long time ago. Thanks for the lessons, Jerri. I found someone later who cared a lot more than you ever did, even if he’s gone now too. Have a nice life. And I do mean that.”

Why I think this has stayed with me: Aside from the obvious fact that you never really forget your first love and compare all other relationships to it (for better or worse) for maybe the rest of your life, to me, having changed feelings is like cheating if you don’t at least tell your partner things have shifted and/or you’ve found a new love interest. If there’s one thing you ought to know about me, it’s that truth withheld or postponed will ALWAYS hurt me more than truth told right from the start. Think you’re doing someone a favor by waiting to give them a harsh dose of honesty? Guess what: you’re not. Knowing I wasn’t worth telling the truth to is a rotten and belittling feeling. And it’s happened too many times.

"I bet there are plenty of prettier girls out there that don’t nag as much as you do (and give better blowjobs)”

“I would trade you in for a harem of whores” (and after I objected)“You can be my main whore, though, maybe.” (still not sure if the whole thing was just a joke, but it was said a couple times).

“I’m gonna go find some other little girl’s cherry to pop”

“I took advantage of you and it was easy”. 

Now, let me set the record straight, and say that I do not hold these words against the persons who said them. They were all said on different occasions, and I believe all were said while under the influence of substances. I chose to group them together because they all target my sexuality and sexual worth. All of them link my sexuality with being not worth sticking around for…as disposable. I never truly took them to heart, because I know I'm worth more than to be just another whore in a group or another notch on the belt, and I know I am niether. A playboy bunny or hooters girl has nothing on me except maybe a few cup sizes.


Those words are recent enough that I don’t feel the need to explain why they have stayed with me. And they are powerful enough and specific enough words that I think anyone would understand why they hurt. Some words are just flat out heartless. But they matter more to me because one of the peope who said them was my sexual first. So to be told by the one you love and the only person in the world who has known you that way that you’re sexually disposable…it kind of knocks you on your ass. Whether they're in their right mind or not. And whether it's true or false.

“Ew”. Yes, one word. One word directed at my poor skin after I had already had a hard day with it. 

Little needs to be explained. It didn't hurt as much as it could have, because it was said by a stranger. And the opinions of strangers who know nothing of my struggle really don't matter much to me. But knowing someone thought that about my skin enough to say it still lingers in the back of my mind when I look at my reflection sometimes.

• “You’re not worth settling down for.”
  
  
• “The more you allowed me to mistreat you, the less I loved you"
• 
  
•  “I want someone with beautiful skin.”

Again, I’ve grouped these due to their similarities. They all say “you’re not enough”. The second one gets me especially, because between the lines it says to me "I don't like that you didn't get back in my face when I was a jerk, so I'm not going to care about you as much". It basically throws my patience and efforts to continue kindness back in my face. And THAT hurts. It's like someone slap you in the face, you forgiving them, and them slapping you in the face because you forgave them....if that makes any sense. Chances are, if I really felt like it was anything I couldn't handle, I'd walk away. Chances are if I forgive you, I can tell you're sorry and I understand the situation. That doesn't make me less lovable. It doesn't make me a bad person. And it doesn't necessarily make me a doormat.





The last one is slightly different from the others, though. "I want someone with BEAUTIFUL skin". This is like baking a special chocolate cupcake for someone, giving it to them, and having their response simply be: “but I wanted a vanilla cupcake”. You all know I try very hard with my skin. And the person who said this knows that also. Most of the people reading likely try hard with their skin. So imagine hearing from someone who knows somewhat what you're going through, but still says that your efforts aren’t enough and that your efforts are unsightly. Ouch.  Though I will say it seemed like a slip of the tongue and maybe just came out wrong. Regardless, I have beautiful skin. It's simply what I do to it that's not so beautiful.


"I fooled around with her.”

 I won’t say who this is. Because really, multiple people could have said this and should have admitted this. But only one person bothered to at least tell the truth after the fact. Good for him. Some trust and respect were salvaged by me not having to find out way later from a mutual friend. Again, privacy. I only mean to share about me, not to seek revenge and try to publicly shame anyone via blog. There’s a lengthy tale behind this, but it’s too much to elaborate upon. Simply imagine the one you love telling you this. It’s not hard to understand why it would stay in your heart and mind. Like anything else spoken or done wrong against you, all you can do is hope the other party tries to make it right and learn from it. I understand that sometimes cheating occurs when something is wrong with the relationship that one or both parties won't acknowledge or admit. I understand there are reasons these things happen other than "he's a flat-out asshole". Excuse? No. Karma will kick your ass, usually by taking away the one you love and making you realize that you really screwed up and lost a good person. Lesson I've learned? That you can't always trust those you think you can the most. That everyone is human and needs to learn how to deal with bad influences and situations. That lack of honesty from the start causes a lot of trouble. I think unresolved internal struggles contribute to most any kind of acting out. But rather than ditching the one you cheated on and running from the problem, it is my opinion that the issues need to be talked out, admitted, and worked through. Because even if that person isn't the one, it's still important to reach peace with them. And if they are the one, that will just be one of many times you will have to work through a problem with them.

So all in all, why do I carry some of these things still? I think because they are life lessons, and I just associate each particular lesson with a phrase or set of words because words are my thing. They were all words I internalized at some point and pain simply reinforced what I was learning. And knowing how much the words of the past hurt at the time, but seeing that in most cases they don’t anymore, is a good reminder that even the pain of recent words will pass if I give them time.

But the main truth I have learned is that everyone in your life is going to say  or do something that will hurt you at some point. You simply have to discard the ones who are never sorry or who your heart decides are not worth the pain.

I will heal.